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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: TOURIST ATTRACTION(S) (natural or man-made) (08/06/15)
Old Man of the Mountain

I folded my arms in defiance. I was not going to go and that was that. No one could make me. I was old enough to stay on my own.

“Katie, please. Your parents entrusted you into our care for the summer. We can't leave you here for two days.” Grandma's voice held a note of pleading.

I knew my attitude stunk. I knew I was making life fairly miserable for my grandparents, but at that point I didn't care. I was too angry at the world to give one second of thought to anyone but me. I was the only one that mattered.

The ride there was long and boring, I sat isolated with my head stuck in my Ipad and cell phone.

As we pulled into the parking lot to see the Old Man of the Mountain, I lost all signal for my cell phone, to say I was put out was putting it mildly.

“Grandpa, there's no signal here!” I raised my voice a few notches. “ We won't be here long will we?”

Grandma answered, “Come with us up the trail. It's not long at all, and it's quite a sight. Naturally carved out of the side of the mountain is the face of an old man.”

“No thanks,” I grumbled, and grabbed a book. “I'm reading.” And why would I want to see an old man? I see one everyday looking at Grandpa. I thought to myself cruelly.

After they had left, I began looking around for a bathroom. I headed over to the nearest outhouse, but within twenty feet, the smell overpowered me. No way. That is beyond disgusting. I looked around and headed for the woods. Finding a trail that no one was on, I headed up the mountainside, looking for a private turnout. After about ten minutes, I was sure I was alone and left the path into a dark area of woods. Just the right spot.

As soon as business was completed, I headed back to the trail again. I had walked quite a while before I realized that I should have found it by now.

Before me was an extremely large boulder that jutted out of the mountainside. I climbed it for a better view. There, all around me, was the most magnificent sight I had ever seen. One mountain after another thrust itself into the sky. I had never felt so small, yet there was something in the air I couldn't put my finger on. It was so quiet, so peaceful....suddenly, my feet slipped out from under me and I rolled down the side of the boulder, into the air, and landed with a terrible thump. Horrible pain. I couldn't catch my breath, panic set in.

I hurriedly got up and limped around the rock, but there was no way up. My leg hurt so bad, I didn't think I could climb it anyway. I looked up at the peaks I had seen before, and there in front of me was the Old Man of the Mountain.

If only I could get over that way, I might be able to find Grandma and Grandpa. Tears were rolling down my cheeks in waves as I realized the mess I was in. I took a few steps and the ground gave way beneath my feet and again, I was rolling and tumbling. Just before coming to a stop, my head hit a stone. As I opened my eyes, I knew I was in trouble. There, bending down over my face, was the Old Man of the Mountain. He had such a look of concern and compassion. I cried not only from pain, but from the realization of how wretched I had been, and how hateful I had become. The love in the eyes of the Old Man called something in me to wake up. As I was lifted up, I felt the weight of my parents terrible arguing being lifted off of me as well. I felt so light. I lay my head on his chest and felt completely safe.

“I..I'm lost.” I stuttered, trying to explain something to him.

In a deep soft voice he answered, “Not anymore, my little one, today you are found.”

I lifted my face and planted a big kiss on his cheek. “I love you Grandpa.”
“I love you too, my sweet Katie. Everything's going to be O.K.”
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This article has been read 749 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/14/15
Right out of the gate, you grabbed my attention with your portrayal of the main conflict. I was hooked and eager to keep reading.

I noticed some minor things like a comma splice and using the word that instead of who in this line: I was the only one that mattered. (Remember if a person, use who, a thing use that.)

I enjoyed the attitude of the girl because it's so spot on (too spot on sadly). I think the story might have been stronger if you transitioned. The girl was refusing to go, but then suddenly in the car.

Even with those minor details, I still think you did a fantastic job. The ending was sweet. It was resolved nicely and left me with a good feeling. I really enjoyed this read, and I think it would be great for a tween magazine.
Bonnie Bowden 
08/15/15
I think the MC was very typical of the average teenager. I loved the description of the Old Man of the Mountain watching her.
Noel Mitaxa 
08/20/15
Thanks for an enjoyable re-entry to the adolescent world - which must revolve around each adolescent's unassailable wisdom.
Great descriptions and a reassuring wrap-up
Bea Edwards 
08/21/15
Wonderful description of a teenagers awakening to the love of her granpa.