Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: LUST (all-consuming desire; excessive craving) (01/08/15)
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TITLE: The Hunger Trunk | Previous Challenge Entry
By Deborah Caruso
01/11/15 -
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They were sure it had to be locked up and surprised when it wasn’t. After moving all the cobwebs away, they opened it. What they saw inside upset them. They had never seen such doom and gloom in the place where they lived.
Glow asked Glor as she pulled them all out one by one, and placed them upon the street made of the purest of all gold. “What is all this stuff?”
“I don’t know what they are, but they are awful. . .they are dirty, foul and dark!” Glor answered as she covered up her nose. She then began to incessantly wipe her hands, cringing at what she had just touched.
Another messenger of the way, overheard their query and told them. “They are lusts. . worldly lusts!”
“Worldly lusts?” Puzzled Glow.
Looking down from the bright place to the dark world below them, the other messenger explained. “You know all that is in the world. . .of the flesh,. . .of the eyes. . .of the pride of life.”
As the two looked down upon the blue planet, Glor and Glow said in unison. “Oooohhhh, those lusts!”
Glor said. “He warned us about them, but we didn’t think we’d ever see one, much less touch one!”
The other messenger continued. “It really is a shame they can be so confused about them.”
“Confused?” queried George.
The messenger answered. “You know, confusing lust for love like they do. They should know lust by lust’s works and love by love’s works. How could they ever think that things like adultery, fornication, idolatry, stealing, and lying could ever be right for them. . . right for anyone for that matter? They all need the bright Son so they can see.”
“Yes, they do.” Glor asserted as they turned around to get the vile contents back into the trunk, but the trunk had been completely transformed. The trunk looked brand new. It was lovely and clean and bright!
“Look at the trunk now!” exclaimed Glow.
The other messenger explained. “You have been shown the trunk because the trunk represents their hearts and lust darken hearts. . .lust weary hearts. The bright Son is the only one that can rid their hearts of forbidden hungering and help them hunger for true love. . .His love. Yes, when they receive His message and embrace true love, the forbidden can be driven out of them.
“Yes and amen!” They both agreed.
Continuing on, he told them. “You two will be going down to help the earthly messengers now. As for me, I will be retiring these wings of mine until the trumpet sounds.”
“When will the trumpet sound? “Asked Glow.
“No one knows that but the Father, but when we hear it, we are to head toward the four winds to gather all those that embraced His love and bring them here.” The messenger answered passionately.
“And the others?” asked Glor.
“We don’t even want to think about what happens to the others, we just want to help as many as we can see the light of His great love. We do this by being there for them and listening to what He tells us to do.” The other messenger explained.
“We will be kind of like heavenly evANGELists, right?” Asked Glor.
“Yes, something like that.” Answered the other messenger.
Then all three of them looked down the river, clearer than any crystal, and said as one. “It is very good news for them that the Father and the Son and the Spirit are love.”
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For me personally, the beginning was a tiny bit slow. I may have added some suspense and dialog right out of the box to pull the reader in right off. For example: One day Glor and Glow found a battered trunk. Glow reached over to open it, but Glor yanked him away. "What do you think you're doing?"
Glow pointed to the rusty latch. "I'm going to open it and see what's inside."
Rolling her eyes, Glor sighed. "You don't need to open it. Can't you feel the... Well, I guess I'd call it despair emanating from it?"
Nodding, Glow stepped back. "I do feel something weird, but I thought it was just me. Do you think the gloomy clouds forming above it have something to do with that tightening I feel? Like a sense of impending doom is attached to it."
I know I took a lot of liberties with it, but I wanted to show you a way to show the readers what the MCs were feeling instead of telling. You do a splendid job in the rest of using dialog to convey those emotions. You have a fantastic message and you really nailed the topic. I truly enjoyed the read and it made me stop and think about how angels must sometimes react to our human emotions. One of my favorite parts was when you clearly demonstrated the triune God. People often forget that we serve a three-in-one God and I believe we need to show that more in our writings. My son is a seminary student, and I've learned a lot from him. He'd be super impressed at how you included Father, Son, and Spirit. Again, congratulations on a great story!