Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Lock and Key (08/21/14)
-
TITLE: Desensitization | Previous Challenge Entry
By Brenda Rice
08/28/14 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
At age 14, I was abducted by a stranger and taken from Georgia to a remote off-the-grid canyon in Utah’s vast wilderness. My captors were a husband and wife who believed God had told them to take me. Don’t ask me how they decided on me a continent away. Maybe it was some kind of cosmic revelation.
Hatch explained how he and Zena hated the rat race, and how hard they had worked to be able to afford to leave society behind.
I must have been in some sort of shock for the first 36 hours. I didn’t ask questions. I sat almost catatonic, waiting to hear what my role would be in this life that was being imposed upon me. Finally tears began streaming down my face. Anger infiltrated every cell of my body, and I felt as if I were sitting in a sauna. The shock was over.
“Zena and I realize that you aren’t accustomed to this style of living, but we believe you will enhance our relationship.”
“I want to go home! Take me home or I’ll do everything I can to make you miserable!”
Hatch grabbed my arm and led me to a back bedroom where I saw a cage just long enough for a small cot and a five gallon bucket. “This Everlee will be your home until you learn to respect and cooperate with us. Zena will check on you every 24 hours. She’ll bring your food and exchange your bucket. Enjoy your own company, dear.”
With that he gave me a slight shove into the cage and locked it. It wasn’t tall enough for me stand straight, but I stood glaring venomously into his dark beady eyes as he closed and locked the bedroom door. I cried, I screamed, I prayed but God had failed me.
Loneliness became a consuming blackness that robbed me of hope. Months perhaps even a year had passed with me confined. Twice a week I was allowed to bathe. As much as I enjoyed the baths, I knew what happened next. Alone with Hatch in his bedroom, I learned exactly how I was to enhance their relationship. Repulsed by what I did with him, I wondered how I could feel a moment of comfort in his soft bed. My emotions were seared.
Wonderful aromas drifted into my room. I sat up and realized the cage door was open and so was the bedroom door. I followed the enticing smell into the kitchen. “Good morning. Did you sleep well?” Zena asked over her shoulder. I didn’t answer.
“Sit down we’ll have breakfast together like a family. Hatch, food is ready.” She called.
My family always had meals together. Somehow, I felt normal for the first time. My weight had dropped significantly and I was famished. I ate enough for three people. Then Hatch said we were going hiking. The temperature was above freezing and it was sunny.
The scenery was breathtaking; high orange colored mountains, deep canyons and the air smelled of evergreens. Our hike was cut short because I was too weak to go farther.
From then on, I had three meals a day with “the family”. About three months later, Zena and I cleaned out the bedroom next to theirs. We painted it blue to match the coverlet and curtains Zena already had. Hatch brought in a lovely wooden headboard and a set of mattresses. I felt excited. How could I have been excited? I was still a prisoner.
My door was never locked again. I had freedom to come and go. It felt like home. Was I crazy? Home was where my parents lived, where my life should have been. I hardly thought of Mom and Dad. Something was terribly wrong with me. God never showed up.
In August of 2014, I turned twenty-four. Ten years have gone by without me ever trying to escape. Late last night, I heard noises coming from the cage room. This morning I checked and the door was padlocked. Someone else’s nightmare is beginning.
Maybe Zena and I will have more time together.
Titus 1:15: Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their minds and conscience is defiled.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
Accept Jesus as Your Lord and Savior Right Now - CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
Well done.
God bless~
The only thing I'd encourage is to do more showing, especially in the beginning. This is just a sample to show what I mean:
When I was 14, Zeke and Zena abducted me. I tried to drown out his voice by identifying the smells around me. As I inhaled, suddenly, Zeke slapped my face. After the recoil, his words drifted into my ears. "Listen here, girl, I'm doing you a favor. You've got a new family with me and Zena, and it's time you learned some respect."
It may not be perfect, but I hope it shows you what I mean. You do a great job of the dialog later on. You also did a great job of writing on topic in a fresh and interesting way. Your ending was spectacular. It speaks volumes and different people will take different messages from it. Some prefer a happy ending, but this ending feels real and shows how much we can change without a constant intimate relationship with Jesus.
This would be a perfect synopsis for a novel. I could really see you expanding this and turning it into a thrilling YA book.
I knew the judges would go for this. So, not a surprise!
Great work.
God bless~