Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing (11/21/13)
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TITLE: The Case of the Pinged Cell Phone | Previous Challenge Entry
By Virginia Lee Bliss
11/28/13 -
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Chief had called about a Mrs. Simmons. Her son Bartholomew was due home from school by 5pm.
“His soccer coach said he didn’t show for practice but he’d been in school all day. ‘Bart never misses practice,’ Coach said.”
“Description, Chief?”
“Age fourteen; Five eight; 150 pounds; African American.
“Good student; popular with teachers and other students; star athlete; loves music; never been in trouble. A storybook kid.”
“Cell phone pinged?”
“Nothing. Tracking disabled maybe.”
“Alerts posted?”
“No leads.
“See to it, Perkins.”
“10-4 Chief!”
For as far back as he could remember Clarence had wanted to be a detective. As a boy he loved reading Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries.
He wondered what Doyle would have made of modern criminal investigation technology. Yet even the twenty-first century needed the brilliant deductive reasoning that characterized his creation.
At Headquarters they called Clarence the Black Sherlock Holmes. Chief relied on him to solve the most baffling cases.
Clarence phoned the Ellendale High principal.
“Any video surveillance Mr. Dougherty?”
“No.”
“Nothing in the school building or on the grounds must be touched. No cleaning until I’ve completed my investigation---hopefully by Monday.”
He asked Dougherty more questions, then drove to the school.
Clarence and his investigator, nicknamed “Watson”, entered the empty building and under the glare of fluorescent lights, did a walk through. They inspected everything including the restrooms.
Watson looked at his notes. “Why investigate the building? The boy most likely disappeared after he left the school.”
“The school was the last place where anyone saw him. And he never made it to soccer practice.”
“So he disappeared after his last class in room 213, enroute to the soccer field?”
“Possibly.”
They headed back to the entrance. “Wait here a moment, Watson. I want to check something.”
“Find anything?” asked the investigator when Clarence returned.
“Nothing.”
Saturday morning Clarence and Watson traversed the path that Bart most likely followed from room 213 to the soccer field. They tried alternate routes. Nothing.
Through the weekend they visited Bart’s mother, friends, and teachers.
The conversations yielded nothing that wasn’t in Chief’s preliminary report.
Monday morning Dougherty phoned.
“One of our teachers, Brittany Ryan, didn’t report for work today. She’s not responding to phone calls, e-mails, or text messages.”
Description: Age twenty-four; five four; 120 pounds; white; single; lives alone; parents and boyfriend in environs; teaches math; popular with everyone.
He called Brittany’s horrified parents who had no idea she was missing.
Brittany’s frantic boyfriend Justin phoned Dougherty. He’d been away on business; his texts to Brittany gone unanswered.
Clarence interviewed Justin.
“Brittany wouldn’t disappear without explanation. And to skip work without notice—not like her.
Alerts for Brittany were posted. Like the notices for Bart they generated no leads.
Clarence pinged her cell. Nothing.
In a flashback he recalled a minute detail in the girls’ bathroom.
“Watson---I’ve been a colossal fool!
“Call Dougherty. Have him clear the school by three. Stop by Headquarters and get the Bluestar stuff. Meet me at the school at four.”
The men entered the girls’ bathroom. They sprayed Bluestar. In dim light a blue luminescent trail leading out the door was visible.
“Keep spraying, Watson.”
Out the door, through the hall, down the stairs to the outside, across the grass. The Bluestar revealed a bloody trail to a wooded area.
The trail ended at a leaf pile. Clarence kicked aside some leaves to reveal the body of Brittany Ryan, her throat slit.
The girl was naked save for a blouse. No cell phone, money, or credit cards.
“Watson, call Headquarters.”
Clarence pinged her cell again. This time a response. From a movie theater in nearby Greenwood.
He telephoned Greenwood Police Headquarters.
Ten minutes later Greenwood responded. “Suspect apprehended!”
The horrible story was revealed in all its grizzly detail. On Friday, Bart had stayed after school to obtain assistance in math from Ms. Ryan. When the teacher went to the girls’ bathroom because the faculty restroom was in use, he followed her. In the bathroom he raped her, then murdered her with box cutters. After stealing her cell phone, money, credit cards, and underwear he dragged her body to the woods.
The storybook kid.
Clarence was applauded for solving the mystery.
But online he found the hateful racist remarks generated by Bart’s crime.
He put his head in his hands and wept.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Clarence Perkins is a fictional character but the story itself is true. The names and locations have been changed to protect the privacy of the families. A few details have been altered in order to showcase Clarence’s detective skills. The grizzly outcome is entirely factual and has been unfolding in the news for the past month.
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I like the ending, where everyone was praising him for solving the case, but the victory was not so sweet knowing someone's life was over.
Thanks for trying to look at my article. I think I have it fixed now. Blessings, LaVonne
My red ink is two fold.
I think the story could have had a greater hook bu using stronger words. Words like 'set down' and the dectives name are very passive. Something more like:
"Darn! No weekend off again." Clarence spat out his dissappontment as he slammed down the receiver.
Of course this may not suit your character, I'm just presenting an example.
Secondly the paragraph break between five and six threw me a little. I saw the inverted commas were not closed after five, but really para six simply continued the discription of para five. My first reaction was that Clarence was now giving the description he had asked for (that was when I looked for the inverted commas) My opinion only, five and six should be one paragraph.
I think you did an excellent job of keeping the suspense going once you were up and running and I felt the story unfolded not only well but right on topic.
Blessings.