The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 804 times
Member Comments
Your breakfast description made me hungry and I could see the "estate home" and I wanted to visit too. I had to smile at the list of things that included sketch pads. :) Your title is perfect for this. I wish I could have heard about the cousin's adventure. Let me know when you write Chapter 2.
I want to read more! This is such an interesting story.
I want to read more, too! I'll bet they had a great summer.
You have the beginnings of an interesting story. What I liked best was the prayer Jayden said, honoring her God and her mother. One thing I would have done differently was to make the monetary contrast between the two families a little less acute: Lower middle class or single parent family visiting a wealthy one. I've been in that situation and know how it feels.
Nice title, content was a little lacking, no reason was given why these cousins were just meeting. Smooth out some of the dialogue and this could work.
I enjoyed reading this story. There's so much more to tell...please do keep going with this. There are unanswered questions...such as why she is visiting her rich cousin? Why is she poor and her cousin rich? Why is he sad? Does he get saved? This could be the beginning of a chapter book for those in their early teen years. (The dialogue may need to be a little more realistic but you wouldn't have to tweak it too much to make it work.)
Wonderful writing. You left me wanting more. As one commenter said, you have the beginnings of a great story. You illustrate the differences between Jayden and Jacob very well, and I really want to know where Jacob took his cousin! Nice job. Blessings, Cheri
Interesting story!

Watch out for comma splices and redundancies--this could be tightened up quite a bit, giving you more words for plot development.

I like the idea you had here--it's a really good one.
Love the wordplay on the title, but I want to know what happens next? It seems like there's sooo much more to this story. I loved the descriptions and the two cousins meeting for the first time. It was good! ^_^
Oh I so wanted to read more. It's like reading an exciting story and having your mother tell you to switch your light out and go to bed. Well done!
This is not only very interesting, but you've presented an mc I want to follow in future stories.
Your title fits perfectly. I enjoyed Jayden's character and her enthusiasm for life.