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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: PROCRASTINATE (08/04/16)
It seemed like just a normal Sunday afternoon, but I was so wrong. While relaxing in my easy chair, with a good book and a cup of coffee a sense of doom came over me. It was as if something was drawing me to my daughter's room. I thought she was studying for an algebra exam she had on Monday. I got up and walked down the hallway to check on her. She usually kept the door shut when on the computer, studying or listening to music.

I knocked and called her name, but for some reason she didn't respond. My heart raced wildly, as I slowly opened her door. I heard Amazing Grace playing on her radio. This was a bit odd, as she rarely changed the channel from WGUS, Big Country Radio.

As I entered her room, what I saw next forever scarred the pages of this lonely broken heart. I saw a tear-stained pillow beneath my daughter's head, and glanced an empty pill bottle on her bedside table, next to her bottled water.

Trembling I turned my eyes toward my precious daughter. Her body was pale and white. She wasn't moving. I totally froze. Finally, with tears dwelling up in my eyes, I gently brushed her long silky hair away from her face. She was cold. This could not be real! Yet I knew at that moment, she was gone. My angel was gone forever. She was dead.

I sat down next to her, covering her hand with mine. I noticed a neatly folded letter and an open bible. On the paper, she'd drawn little red hearts and in big letters wrote the word MOMMA. I slowly stood up, opened the letter and with a quivering voice, read these words.

Dear Momma, I never meant to hurt you. I loved you and I think loved me too. I tried to make you proud of me. But I never could be what you wanted me to be. I usually made the A-B honor roll, but I never made all A’s. Things like algebra and chemistry were hard for me. I studied and really tried. But after a while, I kept telling myself to pick up that book and study some more, but I didn't. I knew I'd only disappoint you again. I'd never be the smartest.

You bought me expensive clothes and frilly dresses. I tried to smile a perfect beauty queen smile . I tried to walk and talk like the judges wanted me to. I didn't mean to gain those extra 5 pounds. I hardly ever ate ice cream or sweets like my friends did. People still told me I was a beautiful girl, but I never felt beautiful. Momma, sometimes I ate chocolate bars at school, because I knew I wasn't going to win a shining crown anyhow. But I was scared to tell you.

It seemed the harder I tried, the more I let you down. I didn't mean to break your heart. All I ever wanted was for you to love me the way God made me. Someone told me once "God don't make no mistakes". So I just decided to go to a place where everyone is perfect. God makes us all perfect in heaven, right? And Jesus loves all His children, so I'll be fine. I'll always love you, Momma. Please don't cry.

I slowly dropped the letter. It fell to the floor. I couldn't bear to see her face. I’d knew I'd never see her smile again. I could never tell her how much I loved her. It was too late.

I leaned down, my cheek next to hers and began to sob. Kissing her on the head, reality sunk in. Dear Lord, what in the world have I done? I killed this child. A precious gift from heaven. My special angel. So filled with love. Was I trying to make her the perfect child I could never be? Forgive me, Lord Jesus.

For even when in my womb, I knew how special she was. In my heart, she was my pride and joy. In my eyes, she was the most beautiful child in the world. I always meant to tell her these things. Why didn't I let her know her how much I loved her? Just the way she was! God bless this child. Lord Jesus, shelter her in the shadow of the Almighty. Keep her in Your sweet arms of love and give her peace. Amen
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This article has been read 473 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Rhonda Burns
08/13/16
Your story was an interesting way to reflect the topic. It was such a sad read but I am sure it would hit the hearts of many parents who have either suffered this loss or have a distant relationship to their child. I did notice that you left out a word or two that would have completed the sentence but the intent of the story was not lost. Nice job.
Toni Babcock 
08/13/16
The title of this piece truly hooks the reader! I assume this is a fiction account. To make it more believable, one suggestion would be to shorten the suicide note, and not spell out so much of what the daughter was thinking before she took her life. Allow the mother to have an inner dialogue with herself and come to these very conclusions. Allow the mother to fill in the blanks in other words... Overall great job!
Shirley Thomas
08/16/16
What a sad, yet eye-opening story. It broke my heart for both the daughter and mother.
Larry Whittington
08/17/16
This is a well written "life story" that will arouse and bring to life memories on other readers - memories unable to be forgotten.

God's word can bring peace but that does not erase a memory.

Peace. Keep your heart in heaven and your eyes in his word.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/19/16
Congratulations on ranking 7th in your level. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.