Go Hillary, Go | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Go Hillary, Go | Previous Challenge Entry
By Brett Baker
07/27/16
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I shall endeavor to gently unmask the horrid creature which some might consider to be the unknown, and I’ll do it in as brief a fashion as possible; it’ll be kind of like pulling a bandaid off as fast as you can so it hurts less.

Who could possibly lead our great nation to the ethereal heights of our imaginations better than her? Hillary’s past accomplishments alone serve as witnesses to her ethical standards. Shouldn’t we relish every occasion fortune favors us with to be able to gaze our eyes at the opulent spectacle of her appearances? And would our ears be content if we were unable to listen to her tall tales as we learn from her discreet sense of intelect which slowly oozes out from her gray matter? How can we as Americans possibly believe that we could ever withstand the vacuum of Hillary’s greatness? Dare I say, dethrone the queen and roll out the red carpet for Madam Clinton?

What could possibly make anyone want to focus on the trail of tears Hillary has left behind her? Wouldn’t it be more fair to view them as mere trinkets which any witch might pull out of one pocket or another from within her black cloak? Or maybe we should read her exceedingly great number of years as an epic novel of unwise and incredible feats of disaster?

Does it matter that Hillary proudly and viciously attacks the victim in the defense of her rapist? Of course not. So, what is it that would make any of us think that a steady stream of bodies along side a trickle of white-washed water is any indication of impropriety? That just shows she’s a people person. But let’s not forget, Bill is a people person too and they’re a team, so rah rah sis boom bah! And how could it be possible that Hillary won’t be able to reach the stars with all of the experience she acquired during the travelgate affair? Remember, she waved her magic wand as she did great wonders. Yes, she magically made things disappear, in this case it was the staff of the White House travel office and I would like to add that Hillary did it with the usual Clinton panache we have all come to know and love.

I shudder to think of the ease and efficiency it would bring to Hillary by having her own private server right there in the White House. But wouldn’t that save everyone a lot of time and effort? After all, time-wasting, silly questions should only be asked to silly people, but definitely not to our esteemed President Hopeful. What business of ours could it possibly be whether or not Hillary has information in her home that is considered so Top Secret, that Congress can’t even know about it? The idea that we should know the truth is so ridiculous, it’s a certainty that even the mere thought of such a thing should be considered more than just an inappropriate faux pas.

Please calm down everyone, all is well. There’s no need to panic and call the FBI. Hillary’s server is tucked safely away in her closet right behind her mules and a half-gallon bottle of gin. Relax, it’s just not possible for the national security of the United States to have been compromised. But to the naysayers out there I would like to offer, ‘Oh what difference does it make anyway, it was only highly classified information and it was so long ago. There’s nothing to see here, move along….’

Are you starting to see how it would be so much more convenient for Hillary if a bejeweled coronal were placed upon her head? Fortunately, it’s difficult for my eyes to envision our very own Arkansas razorback, el Presidente Hillary, as she sits on her throne in her double-layered blue pant suit, while she waves her sceptre to and fro. Oh what a sight that would be! And if Hillary is going to live in the White House again, who knows, maybe this time she will don a trendy new designer burqa and redecorate the Oval Office to look like the inside of Muammar Qaddafi’s tent. She could undoubtedly find a few old goats wandering around the White House somewhere, just to give the place that little extra touch of authenticity, not to mention how it would complete the harmonizing feng shui vibe of the room.

I'm sure Satan says, "Trust Hillary!"

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