Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: SLOTH (indolence; laziness) (01/29/15)
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TITLE: Something Like, Nine Years. | Previous Challenge Entry
By Penny Neimiller
02/05/15 -
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You see, Monday is my favorite day for my Soaps because something big always happens that leaves you hanging the Friday before. The last episode of ‘Family Among Strangers’ was no different.
The doorbell? Are you kidding? All right. All right! I’m coming, just hold on!
“Jen! Hi! Come on in! How long has it been? Something like nine years?”
“Hey, I was just watching my soap. I don’t want to miss this part would you mind
just sitting down here and then I’ll go get us coffee or tea or something in a little bit...O.K.?”
“What? Your kidding? I didn’t know Jen, I’m so sorry... Could you just wait a minute?
See, that’s Hannah and that’s Steve. She’s leaving Seth, her husband of nine years. Never thought it would last that long he is such a bore. Turns out that Steve is actually Seth’s best friends’ brother. Can you believe that.? Everyone thought he was dead, he had been missing for something like, nine years! Turns out he just had amnesia!
“Wait till I tell you how they met.”
“It was at a wedding reception. She was asked to be the Maid of Honor for her second cousins son. They needed one more girl to even out the wedding party and no one else wanted to pair up with the obnoxious Best Man, Wilson. They needed one more beautiful girl that didn’t know the Best Man and Hannah was perfect for the part.”
“Huh? Oh no, Steve wasn’t the Best Man. He wasn’t in the wedding party. He was just one of the waiters sent by the famous, ‘Le Frenchies Besto’. Everything was going great until Steve got his feet tangled in an extension cord and fell. Guess who he spilled punch all over? Well, guess! Hannah? Yeah it was Hannah! Guess what else happened when he fell! Why, Yes! He did hit his head and get his memory back. How did you know?”
“Anyway, While he was trying hopelessly to save her beautiful dress they found themselves in this awkward position and then their eyes met and they knew that they had... had... Yes! They had found their soulmate!”
“Well, I know this is exciting but it’s coming back on, I’ll fill you in on the rest later.”
Telephone, would you stop ringing!
“Come on. Get back to the part with Steve and Hannah. Good grief, I don’t care about Holly’s miscarriage get on with the story!”
“Oh geez, more commercials... I can’t stand this! Only five minutes left. I bet they won’t show us what happens until later in the week. They always do this you know. They must think I have nothing better to do but sit and watch their silly soaps.”
“What? Your leaving? Don’t you want to see what happens? Oh, O.K. It was nice seeing you too. Don’t make it so long till next time.”
Thought she’d never leave...
Better go to the bathroom quick and get ready for “Two Children More.” Maybe I can get a load of laundry done while I watch. Oh shoot, that’s right, I forgot to get laundry detergent again.
Just grab these bag of chips here and some dip, I won’t eat many. Oh good, it didn’t start yet, I just can’t wait to see what happens with Jack and Paula today. I think he might ask her, I sure hope so. They have been going together for some outrageous time now, I think it’s been something like...Nine years!
fiction
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This is one story a person cannot real slowly.
It was a little confusing to figure out who was speaking. One way to break it up would be to add some action. I understand the effect you were going for by not having Jen talk, but it was confusing. You might have been able to still get the effect with something like this:"Hey, I was just watching my soap. I don’t want to miss this part; would you mind just sitting down here and then I’ll go get us coffee or tea or something in a little bit...OK?”I plopped on the couch not waiting to hear Jen's answer.
Clearing her throat, Jen started to speak. "Maybe I-- "
I waved my hand at her and she clamped her lips shut.
Another tiny thing I noticed was in this line:
Monday is my favorite day for my Soaps because something big always happens that leaves you hanging the Friday before.
You did what many writers and real people do, you switched from I to the universal you. Since I (The reader) don't watch soaps, they never leaving me hanging, but they do leave the MC hanging, so you'd want to stay in the first person. Jan talks about this in her lesson this week in her forum, Jan's Writing Basics.
Overall, I think you did a splendid job. You definitely nailed the topic. I can't imagine ever treating someone like that, so it was particularly interesting for me to read. It's easy for me to understand your great message and apply it to my own life. That's another thing you did a great job of, delivering an important message that pretty much everyone can relate to, without it coming off feeling preachy or like a lecture. I think it was a fun and interesting read and I thoroughly enjoyed it.