Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Write CONTEMPORARY FICTION (10/30/14)
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TITLE: Waiting for John | Previous Challenge Entry
By alan kane
11/04/14 -
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I wish he would hurry up, he is really going to be late. You see, it's a surprise party. Got a group of 22 close family and friends staying at the hotel. As cover, i've arranged to meet John at the Swallow pub for a quiet birthday drink, with none of my regulars about. I like this pub with its open, roaring fire. We often come here to escape from our hotel.
I sit quietly, observing 3 couples having subdued conversations, with only the television intruding. They don't look like regulars. I'm really not sure if I like the idea of a TV in a pub. John does, although I admit I was glad he insisted on getting one for the last World Cup. It was wonderful seeing Geoff Hurst's hat-trick.
We interrupt this scheduled programming to bring you some breaking news! A countrywide search has been launched after a 77 year old patient went missing from the specialist dementia unit at Witsecoga Hospital... According to a hospital spokesperson, 'The public have nothing to worry about, but we fear for her safety...'...A room search discovered a purse, her travel card and an overnight bag missing... She was last seen boarding a train at the Breethley halt on CCTV. If you see this lady please contact...
A picture flashes up on the screen of a smartly dressed lady at a Christmas party surrounded by presumably family and friends. I Say a quick prayer for the lady and return to waiting for John...
This is the last time I organise a surprise party for anyone! He has not turned up.
I suppose I'd better tell all the guests what is happening. Getting up I smile; knowing him, he'll eventually turn up at the hotel, oblivious to having ruined all my planning. O well, we can still have a party with or without him; shame it's an open bar.
Home sweet home! Walking in through our side entrance, I go to hang up my coat, trip over and hurt my leg. Stupid housekeeping! I told them to clean up after the builders. I should be glad it was me, not a customer, who fell on the rubble.
I call out for John but no one answers-really getting frustrated. I just sit there, waiting for my John. All I do these days is wait for John.
I love my hotel, it used to belong to my parents, and my Dad's parents before him. It's all I have ever known. I've been approached to sell it, but never will.
“Elsie, what are you doing here?”
“Waiting for John!”
“Come on Elsie, its time to...”
“No, leave me alone! I am waiting for my John. Help! Someone help!”
“Nanna Elsie, it's Colin, your Grandson. Everyone is worried about you. You must come with me. Look around, its not safe here.”
I get up and look around and start crying … “Who did it? Who did it? Who destroyed my hotel?”
“The hotel burnt down 10 years ago, it's finally been sold. It's being made into apartments.”
“But where is my John?”
"I am really sorry Nanna. Grandpa John died two weeks ago. the funeral was yesterday."
I allow him to put his arm around me, and gently guide me away from my old hotel.
“Elsie, you need to go back to the hospital.”
“Yes John, but can we go to the Swallow first?”
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I am crying! What a powerfully written story. This is a poignant and somber read.
The portrayal of the MC is extremely authentic. I've seen this happen so many times, having worked with this population for so many years.
It broke my heart, made me cry...and after all said and done, made me realize what a winner this story is!
Excellent job!!!!!
God bless~
Very strong characterisation and pictures show real writing skill.
Your next step is on to Advanced level - surely!
Nice writing. This probably took a little thought.
My one spot of red ink would be that you used the word 'late' three times in your first four sentences. This led me to assume (wrongly as it turned out) that your range of vocabulary would be rather limited, rather than employing the richness of language that so characterises good writing. So maybe have a think about your introductory remarks. Aside from this, it was very good. Well done.
Excellent job!!!
Congratulations on a story that JUST HAD TO WIN! It was fabulous, hauntingly moving, and penetrated my heart!
Well done! So happy the judges got this right!
Fantastic work.
God bless~