Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: End Times (02/27/14)
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TITLE: End Times - Daniel and the Lion's Den | Previous Challenge Entry
By Stephen Buck
03/05/14 -
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A sprinkle of frankincense into the incense burner helped to purge the unpleasant smells of the arena as he settled into his chamber. Three knocks sounded at his door.
"My lord, a message," spoke the voice.
"What now?" shouted Daniel. His feet were sore, his clothing stank. He wanted to relax, to bathe, but the door remained closed. "Well, don't just stand out there," he sounded using a stentorian voice, "come in and deliver this message."
The innocent messenger, noticing Daniel's frown, placed the parchment on the table and made an abrupt departure.
Taking a hold of the parchment, he looks up and positions the incense burner a touch closer to him and begins to read.
Halfway through King Darius's decree, he sinks into the chair, and releases a sigh of disbelief.
"My dear King Darius," he says to himself, "you have known me all of my life and where my devotions lay, why would you issue a decree that forbids me worship of God?"
"My loyalties will always be with God," he said, opening the chamber window facing Jerusalem.
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Loud knocks on the door startle Daniel out of his sleep.
"Lord Daniel," demanded the stern voice outside the door, "the King will see you now!"
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A group of smug looking provincial governors sat before King Darius.
Looking to his cherished friend, King Darius asks "have you disobeyed my decree?"
Sorrow darkens his heart. "All I have but to do," thinks Daniel to himself, "is to deny that I have prayed unto my God and the King will surely execute those who testified against me."
The King looked to Daniel. "Please," said his face, "tell me what I need to hear to spare your life."
Daniel looked to the governors, their eyes darting away.
"My King," said Daniel, "I have continued to pray each day and each night as I always have knowing full well of your decree."
A look of pride for Daniel's honesty took form on the Kings face, followed by one of regret.
"Guards," ordered the King, "throw Daniel into the very den of lions."
Grief began to show on the Kings face as he struggled to hold back tears of the inevitable loss.
"Daniel," said the King, "May your God, whom you serve continually, rescue you!"
As the guards began to lead Daniel out of the King's chamber, a provincial governor, looking directly at Daniel, whispered "end times," and disappeared into the corridors.
Daniel walked into the lion's den, barefoot and naked. The smell was different than the arena. Here, it smelled cleaner, like a home of lions, not death. The loud thud of the stone sealing his fate vibrated through his body.
"Dearest God," spoke Daniel, "I give myself to you."
Sand and hay pierced through the cracks of his toes as he walked to the center of the den.
A growl echoed through the darkness from the walls.
Daniel kneeled, and as he had always done, began to pray.
The great beast approached.
Daniel sat on his knees with his eyes closed. "I have no wish to die like a coward cowering on the ground. I shall face this beast while it kills me."
The breath of the beast struck Daniel's chest, and he knew the governor's won.
Just as he opened his eyes to see its fangs of death, a cold, wet nose brushed downward on his face, followed by the beast brushing the side of its head downward across his chest. And then it began to purr.
Two other beasts emerged from the darkness, did the same, and curled their bodies around Daniel to keep him warm.
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You may want to consider putting thoughts into italics, that way the reader will realize they are thoughts and it might be a more effective tool.
Instead of taglines like he thought or he said, you might want to use that space for body language. For example take this line: Looking to his cherished friend, King Darius asks "have you disobeyed my decree?" (There should be a comma after asked and a cap on Have.)You could use body language to help show the king's emotions: Looking at his friend, King Darius swallowed back his tears. "Have you..."
That's just a quick example to show you what I mean. It creates a picture for the reader while still letting them know who is speaking. Also remember that if the same person is speaking in a new paragraph, there are no end quotes at the end of first para, but there are begin quotes at the start of the next.(You had the begin quotes.)
The transition from being down among the lions to back to his chambers confused me just a bit. I still thought he was below the den at first, but once I realized that it was more of a flashback, I again settled easily into the story. You did a nice job of bringing it to life. I enjoyed the way you characterized Daniel. I always think it's fascinating how different people imagine different things about the same story. To me that shows that the Holy Spirit is at work, ensuring that each person takes what he needs from it.
I also enjoyed the part where Daniel thinks that all he has to do is deny. That really stood out to me and shows that we all have a choice. We can deny our Lord and maybe life will be easier here, but, oh, what we would miss in the afterlife!
I also liked the fresh take on the topic. You did a great job with that. I have no doubt that Daniel wondered, if not out and out believed, that this was the end of his time on earth. Great job of thinking outside the box. I enjoyed this piece from beginning to end and it made me stop and think--which is always a good thing.
You should move up rather quickly. Good Job!
You've done a super job with the topic and with your entry!
Excellent work!
God bless~
The first part was a little too vivid for my liking, but these days, it seems that's what people want. Your descriptions were very good though.
Blessings, Vonnie
One suggestion would be to keep the narrative in one tense--without changing back and forth from past to present.
Expand this and it become a drama of which we know the outcome.
The Bible comes more alive and real when we envision scenes like this.
My only red ink is very minor.
Word choice caused me to stumble a few times. Here are three examples of several that I saw:
In the first paragraph two lions are biting into 'his' neck not 'its' neck.
"Guards," ordered the King, "throw Daniel into the very den of lions." The word 'very', for me, seems a little out of place. I understand that in the right style of speech it would fit, but that style is not evidenced in the rest of the conversation.
...whispered "end times," - this doesn't fit at all for me and suggests use of the term just to fit the topic. The spite suggested by this is a good part of the story, but something like, "Good bye" or even just "The end" would work better, I think.
These are minor points and only distract from the story in a minor way. Your ability to write graphic scenes and to weave a good story far out weigh these shortcomings.
Blessings.
The graphic beginning was softened somewhat by the purring lion at the end.