Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Savory to the Taste (07/26/12)
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TITLE: Savory Deception | Previous Challenge Entry
By Gary Morris
08/02/12 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Now, I’ve got the old pot positioned just right, and my fire is just starting to flicker nicely.
This old pot is my mom’s. It is my favorite. I remember mom teaching me how to cook with this old pot. All I know about cooking, I learned around this pot.
This stew I’m going to make today, I’ve made it hundreds of times. All of my family loves it, my brother especially. He likes for me to have it ready when he comes from the fields. He is usually tired and weary when he arrives.
I’m going to start with some fresh stew meat. I’ll let it brown a little as I stir it around deep in this black caldron. I have to be careful not to burn myself on the sides.
Now I love that smell. Smell it? There’s nothing like the smell of fresh beef cooking.
I’m now going to start adding warm water. I’ve had it sitting in the hot sun since early this morning. Soon it will start to boil, and I’ll add my secret bag of spices.
Well, first it was Mom’s secret. She just shared it with me. I think my grandmother taught her how to combine the herbs and spices for a nice savor.
It is now time to add the beans. I like using different kinds of beans for different textures in my stew. Easy brags about my stew all the time. I’m not sure if he thinks it’s good, or if he just does not want to cook.
I may not be like most guys who like to hunt and fish day in and day out. I like to hang around home and try my hand at different dishes. I’m not worried what others may think. I know it will soon pay off.
Look at the smoke, smell the stew cooking, and watch the wind carry them toward the fields. Ha! Ha! I’ve got a feeling we’ll have company coming soon, following the fragrance.
I think I hear him!
See the cloud of dust rising? That is him. Look, the wind is blowing that direction! I’m sure he smells it! Oh, he looks so tired, poor Easy. Watch this. He is so far away that I have to cup my hands and yell loudly.
Hey Easy!
He seems so tired he can barely walk. Look, he is ringing wet. What’s he saying?
“Jay!”
I think he is calling me.
“Jay! I need some food.”
Listen to him. If he thinks I’m going to slave over this hot flame all day long for nothing, he has another thought coming.
“Jay, come on man. I need some nourishment. Man, that stew smells yummy. Can I have some? I’m starved”
Did you say, “have”?
Did he just say, “have some stew?” Just sit back and watch this.
You can’t “have” my stew, but I’ll sell you a bowl of it.
“What? I can barely walk. I’m so tired. Please just let me have a bowl. I have nothing to buy with.”
Oh, yes you do.
“What do I have that you would take for a bowl of stew?”
Umm, let’s see. I’ll take your birthright! That’s it! You give me your birthright, and I’ll give you a bowl of stew.
“Come on Jay. You do not mean it! Just give me a bowl of stew. Please?”
I will not give, but I will trade a bowl for your birthright.
Watch him. We’ll see how hungry he is. Look at him squirm.
“Come on Jay.”
Look at him!
“Oh well, it’s doing me no good now. I’m going to die without food.”
You don’t have to take it if you don’t want it. I have more friends here that would love to savor the taste.
“Ok Jacob! Have it your way! You can have my birthright, just give me my stew! I’m starving!”
Here Esau, and have you ever wondered why I called you Easy?
Watch him eat, that sloppy pig!
Does anyone wonder why people call me a deceiver?
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I know part of it was a style choice but I'd recommend that you put quotes around what the MC actually says. Otherwise it can be confusing to tell which are thoughts and which are spoken aloud. Also you don't need to tell the reader what you're going to do next. Instead show the reader with vivid verbs. Like instead of saying It's now time to add the beans. Instead try to paint a picture-- I scoop up a handful of beans, inhale deeply, and plop them into the pot.
I'm really impressed with this story. Even though I knew who the characters were early on, I was so eager to keep reading. You managed to stay true to the story while bringing a modern element to it. This will help people relate to the story-- to see it with fresh eyes. I think you did a nice twist on the topic. Though I haven't read all the stories yet, this is the first one I've seen about Jacob and Esau. This was a delightful read.
God bless~