Journal Talk | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: Journal Talk | Previous Challenge Entry
By Joy Chitsey
02/23/12
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Day One

Dear Journal,

I’m all alone.
No one loves me or cares if I’m alive.

You’re my last resort or should I say an experiment before I really do something drastic to get rid of my pain. If you don’t work, then I can use you for my suicide note.

How many people spend New Year’s Eve pushing an empty shopping cart down the aisles of a super-everything-store? I couldn’t decide if I wanted to buy a million aspirins, wrist-slashing razor blades, or rat poison. My choices were endless. That’s when I decided to purchase you, an empty spiral notebook, to write down all possibilities for a fatal death.

However, on my way to the school supply aisle, I passed the book section.

A small voice, deep within my body, kept prodding me to search through the religious books, especially the Bibles. I thought I was going crazy at first. I even looked to see if someone was playing a prank on me. I was the only one around—everybody else was celebrating with family and friends at parties.

I swore three years ago, the day my mom and dad told me they were getting a divorce, that I would never open the flimsy pages of any Bible ever again. I remember stuffing my Bible under my bed among the piles of dirty socks, stinky worn-out tennis shoes, and hundreds of candy bar wrappers.

I have been in a constant struggle to make sense of my life while both mom and dad have moved on and married other people.

To be a loner makes life much simpler.

Journal, I want to scream when I hear people say God is in control. I don’t believe in God, because how could a God of love let bad things happen to good people. I obeyed my parents. I always finished my homework. I helped around the house. I did everything right. What did I receive in return—a busted up home with five strangers for siblings and another mom and dad.

I remember one of my teachers saying that journaling is a great way to get negative emotions out of a person’s body. Okay, so now, I’m writing all my frustrations, instead of making a list of New Year’s Resolutions, or a list of how to commit suicide. I don’t want to live another year if I have to continue living the way I have been.

Here I am writing or experimenting to see if it will make any difference.

Day Two
Dear Journal,

I’m back. I cried and cried after I finished writing in you last night.

For some reason, I think I feel better. My day doesn’t seem so dark. I decided to find my Bible which took a little time, because it wasn’t under my bed. Mom had placed it in my bookshelf.

The same little voice I heard at the store kept repeating, “Psalms 23, Psalms 23, Psalms 23.” I turned to the directly to the chapter and amazed myself when I realized I had already memorized most of it. I lost count of how many times I read it.

I loved the part when it says, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. . . .”* It was like the little voice read it for me and comforted my heart.

Journal, do you think I’m crazy?

Day Ten,

Dear Journal,

I’ve re-memorized Psalms 23. I say it each time I start feeling sorry for myself. That voice which I’ve been hearing, I think it’s God talking to me. I’ve decided to go to church today.

Church was wonderful. It felt like I was coming home from a long journey. My heart had sunshine in it and it’s been raining all day.

Day Thirty-one

Dear Lord,

I just wanted to say thank You for allowing the Holy Spirit to whisper in my ear on New Year’s Eve. Thank You for not giving up on me for all the time I’ve wasted not wanting to have You in my life.

Thank You for wrapping Your words around my heart and allowing me to see that You are real and that You are in control.

Thank You for letting me experiment with my journal. It was a total success. I hope this journal can help someone else find You if that person is lost like I was.

*Kings James

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