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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Outgoing (05/05/11)
Tuesday 15th February

“P-T Gazz’s plc Sat nt 8-?! Gona rok!. Pass it on”

Sharon, the ‘newbie’ to the gated community of Garden Grove, was lying on India’s plush, queen-size bed trying to decipher the text message on her friend’s latest-release iPhone. Sometimes India wondered at her new friend’s naivety. Thank goodness she was prepared to help her, (without it, she wouldn’t last a day at Morrison High), “There’s a party at Garry’s house, Saturday night 8pm til whenever.”

“Oh, okay. It doesn’t matter anyway, India, it’s not like we’re going.”

“Speak for yourself! Jackson’s going to be there.” India gave an indifferent half-laugh, “Not that I’m interested or anything, but hey, if it’ll tick off that crashy Tina, I’m in! Besides,” India’s persona became suddenly, and uncharacteristically, giggly, ‘Tom will be there. He’s asked about you; and don’t tell me you’re not interested, I’ve seen you checking him out with those innocent doe-eyes of yours. You’ve got the goods, girlfriend, and as they say, ‘got it, flaunt it!’” Sharon had a shy, Sandra Dee smile on her blushing face.

“How would we get there? I mean, it’s not like we can ask your parents for a lift.” OMG, this girl was so dense!

“Sharon, dear, I can’t ask them, buuuut… maybe you could coax your bro into giving us a lift? He wouldn’t have to wait around, we’ll just get a taxi back here….or maybe you’ll be too busy with T.O.M. to…”

“India! Don’t say that! I’m…well, I’m not like that.”

“Um, excuse me? Are you saying that you’re still…you know…a virgin?” India was actually surprised by this fact, but nowhere near as embarrassed as Sharon if her deep red cheeks were anything to go by.

“Well, yeah.”

“By choice?” Surely not.

“Of course!” India was taken aback by this. She knew most of the 500-plus teenaged girls at Morrison’s; the handful of ‘untouched’ ones were only so because they were so shy, ugly, or desperate the guys wouldn’t go there. Sharon interrupted her thoughts, “Well, he does owe me; I’ve done a ton of covering up for him over the years! Let me ask him, if he agrees I’ll consider it. Okay?”

“You’re an angel.” India hugged her new BFF with a giggle. But somewhere within her a strange feeling began its journey to the surface. And when it erupted, it would leave a trail of destruction that could not be repaired by human hands.


Sunday 20th February

“Sharon. No words can say what I am feeling in my heart. I am so desperately sorry. I don’t know what came over me. The party was going great; I was dancing with Jackson, and really getting to Tina. Then, I saw you, miss goody-two-shoes, dancing with Tom. And I was jealous. Have you ever felt jealousy, Sharon? I thought I had, but I’d never experienced it like last night. Suddenly it became clear how different we are; you, the quiet, introverted little angel, and me, the OTT, extroverted buffoon. How could he possibly choose me with you around? You know, I actually talked myself into believing I deserved him, I mean we’ve been friends for years! I couldn’t lose him...not to you.

“So I paid Garry for his ‘services’, and then waited for him to make his move. Your innocence made it so simple; he just slipped it into your Coke, and I knew you’d never suspect that this handsome stranger was drugging you at your “BFF’s” bequest. But I honestly did not know he’d take advantage of your sudden outgoing disposition. To think when Tom called me over to the bedroom I actually thought…well…”

Tears fell from India’s shameful, usually confident face. Now, hindsight tortured her as she recalled the horrific consequences of her actions.

“When I saw you there, unconscious, half-dressed…oh God, what was I thinking? I thought it would just make you appear off your face, like you’d drunk too much. I didn’t know it could put some people into a coma, I promise.

“Oh Sharon, what have I done? How can you possibly forgive such an act of betrayal?”

A small movement on the hospital bed startled India’s eyes open. And in a barely audible, but oh-so-strong voice, Sharon replied,

“Because we all are sinners and fall short of the glory of God. And as Christ has forgiven me of my sins against him, so I forgive you of yours against me.” 1


1. Based on Romans 3:23
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This article has been read 1182 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/14/11
This is a powerful piece. You did a great job handling a difficult story. (Mine touched on date rape as well) I did get a tad confused on which which girl said what but that might be my tired brain. Nice job tackling a difficult topic.
Sharlyn Guthrie
05/14/11
Your story is well constructed and it kept my interest. One thing to consider might be that the last couple of lines seemed too wordy for someone just coming out of a coma -an easy fix. Keep up the good work.
diana kay
05/14/11
a great story.i found the first part a tad difficult to follow maybe because you captured the teenagers "otherness" so well. It seemed like Sharon was already fully involved in the social scene even though she was a newcomer.
your twist was clever and unexpected...what a horrible character India turned out to be.
I agree with the other comment that the ending seemed a bit too neat and not authentic.
it is a topical subject and sadly does happen... maybe more frequently than realise. This could form a useful secenario as a discussion started at a youth group but you would need to leave out that last line :-)
sometimes leaving things hanging is unsatisfactory but in this case it would have added to the story... in my opinion anyay
Catrina Bradley
05/14/11
Wow - lots of emotion! I had to back up to figure who was who in first half a few times, and it slowed me down. If not for that, I would have raced through this heart-wrenching story.
Mildred Sheldon
05/15/11
A story filled with emotions of young girls. One who was pure and the other tarnished by the world. I loved the interaction of your story. So very true of young people of today. I loved the last line. We are All sinners and like Christ she forgave her friend as all who love Christ are told to do. Keep writing.
Lillian Rhoades 
05/15/11
An intense story. The second half was a real attention grabber. As has been already noted, I had to keep going back to determine the relationships between characters. One minor observation...Sometimes its best to avoid needless interruption of dialogue to maintain an easier flow. Ex. "Besides," India's persona became suddenly...." I would consider describing India and then moving ahead with what she had to say. Just my personal opinion. Sometimes the shorter the title, the better. Betrayal and Forgiveness would easily have caught my eye. Very realistic dialogue. I like how you've written about a subject that happens far too often.
Verna Cole Mitchell 
05/16/11
Your characterization of the teens was well done. I liked the contrast of the two girls. You kept my interest all the way through.
Catrina Bradley
05/17/11
You asked about the last line - I like it; it is a great idea, but maybe not very "teenager-ish" One of the the other comments said it was "wordy for someone coming out of a coma", and I agree. I wouldn't cut it, but edit it.
Cat :=)
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/20/11
Congratulations on placing 6th in your level!