The Anger of Unspoken Silences | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: The Anger of Unspoken Silences | Previous Challenge Entry
By Anna Johnson
01/31/05
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Sitting in a courtroom waiting to be called to the witness stand, I reflected on the irony of sin. Through the years, I had hoped my son's choices would lead him on a different path than mine had. Now, my son, a lawyer defending himself, and his ex-wife were vying for custody of their six children. Scripture hauntingly played back truth of God's Word. Generational sins are often repeated.

Feeling nervous, I faced my son ready for cross-examination. Relentless interrogation would spur him on to prove me wrong, and himself right, although I wasn't the one on trial. He must have emotionally needed to shift battle tactics, when evidence supported that he was not the fit parent. The reason his ex-wife left him two years prior was why I chose truth over blood. His unhealthy choices were destroying his marriage and his children. Conditional love and fierce control breed emotional damage.

My mother, present in the back of the courtroom, sat ready to support her grandson and probably to badmouth me, as it seems she often did behind my back.

While the judge listened, and I brought up reasons and documentation as to why I believed my daughter-in-law was the better parent, my son kept interrupting, bringing negative focus back on me.

"Do you remember the time I was a little boy and you slapped me on the face?" I sat dumbfounded as to why the Judge would allow this train of thought.

"I vaguely remember," I cringed inside, "maybe once, but that was a long time ago."

"I remember," he challenged me as he did from little on.

Years of unspoken silences spewed forth his hatred, while his stone-faced expression revealed an anger I too felt toward my mother.

I leaned over into empty years separating us and tearfully began, "You know, I have asked you several times to forgive me for the many times I hurt you. I know I was wrong. I wish I could turn back time and do it differently. But I can't. I'm not the damaged person I was then. I've changed. I ask you for the last time, will you forgive me for the way I treated you?"

Since sinful anger knows no mercy, and cold-blooded anger can surface emotionless, he refused to accept my forgiveness. Because he had become what he despised in me, he believed I hadn't changed or grown.

"I want you to know mother that I loathe you," he stated, unflinching without remorse.

After the trial ended, I headed toward the back of the courtroom. My mother looked frail and elderly. "Dear Lord, strengthen me and help me control the boiling rage I feel inside."

While I had been an irresponsible mother when raising my son, she had eagerly taken over, preying on my weaknesses. Rather than encourage me to become a better parent, my son in her mind became the son she never had but always wanted.

"Mom, I just wanted to say hi." She looked away. I continued, "I hope you aren't going to ignore me like you did the last time I saw you."

"It seems we are on different sides of the fence," she snarled. Years of avoidance produced much division. Her conditional love disowned me years ago. She was finally being honest.

"At least I've apologized to my son. I've never once gotten an apology from you."

Our eyes met, as venom and hatred aimed to destroy.

"And you NEVER will," she growled.

Years of placating her rejection generated a raw anger I rarely let myself express to her.

"Of course not," I raged, "because you are the most stubborn woman I know."

Intense anger had gripped me many times before, but guilt stopped me from venting it. Since she avoided confrontation, I was her continual torn in the flesh.

When I left the courtroom, something solidified in me. Unconsciously, I summarized in one sentence what childhood played back through mixed messages. I released a lifetime of doubt that afternoon. Unspoken silences, now voiced, brought emotional healing as the Lord opened my eyes of understanding.

Conditional love breeds anger! Unconditional love breeds forgiveness and a readiness for love to mend broken relationships. I hope one day forgiveness will open their hearts, bleak as it looks today. In the meantime, I ask the Lord to cleanse my unforgiving, angry heart, and to help me remain open to reconcile should conditional love die at the cross.

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