Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Charade (08/14/08)
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TITLE: It's in the eyes | Previous Challenge Entry
By Amanda Gray
08/15/08 -
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Not quite the look she was aiming for - though the ridiculousness of it did bring out an involuntary giggle. And this would have been helpful in calming her nerves if it hadn’t ended on an equally involuntary sob.
This is ridiculous. It’s only Church. I go all the time. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, that was the wrong question to ask. Her over-stressed mind began turning over the dreaded possibilities.
She’d turn up, only to find out she’d got the time wrong. Too early. Too late.
Or she’d be wearing the wrong clothes. Over-dressed. Under-dressed.
Or she’d turn up and find out she wasn’t welcome.
Or people would find out who she really was. Was she weak? A failure? She’d be left alone in a corner. Ashamed. Blamed.
Or she’d get there and be lost in the crowd. A stranger among strangers. And no-one would know.
By this time her breathing was coming in ragged gasps. Feeling stupid for making such a big deal out of something so pedestrian, she slumped onto the end of her bed and did what she had been told to do.
Deep breath in through the nose. Hold. Out through the mouth.
Deep breath in through the nose. Hold. Out through the mouth.
Repeat until calm.
Think positive thoughts.
This last was thrown out of the window as she glanced at the clock. She’d be late. She hated being late! (Deep breath in through the nose. Hold. Out through the mouth.)
Pushing away the niggling thoughts that a Church service wasn’t worth all this effort, she wielded the lipstick to attempt a transformation from clown to beauty with her still unsteady hand. She gave up (Deep breath in through the nose – hold – out through the mouth), deciding it was more important to get there on time than try to do the impossible.
Rushing out of the house, she jumped into the car feeling dishevelled (despite what her frequently visited mirror told her) and feeling like she had left something important behind. Driven by anxiety, she arrived just a touch early.
Her equilibrium destroyed, and feeling as though she was being watched, she surreptitiously took a few more deep breaths while pretending to look for something in her handbag. Having nerved herself for what she now felt was going to be a huge ordeal, she stepped out of the car.
And bumped into Grace and Kyle. “Hi, Jen! Looking lovely as usual!”
Annoyingly, she blushed. To cover the blush and her inarticulateness, she laughed with enthusiasm.
They stepped into the building, and Jennifer was almost surprised to see that it did not match the image in her head. Instead of a confusing rabble of strangers, staring at her with malicious intent and contempt, there was only Nell coming towards her with a welcoming smile.
“Hi, Jen! Good to see you! How’s things?!”
Scenes flashed through Jennifer’s mind.
Migraines, body aches, infections and colds. A panic attack in a busy mall. Sleeplessness. Tears. Loneliness. Fears. Overwhelming tiredness. And then the diagnosis.
But she chirped in reply, “Not bad, not bad.” Inside she was screaming “Life’s awful, horrendous, I’m terribly sad!”
But Nell didn’t hear this.
Nor did any one else.
Quickly seated, Jen blended in well. She sang. She prayed. She listened, carrying off the charade.
She was just like everyone else.
But she felt all the time like she was watching from a dark place inside. A foggy film separated her from these happy people she sat beside.
She felt very alone. Her mask was slipping. Then after the service she met Nikki.
“Hi, Jen! Love those shoes!”
“Thanks.” Jennifer desperately wanted to drop the facade.
“So how’s life been treating you?”
Was this the time? Tentatively, sheepishly she smiled, “Oh, well. Not so good.”
Her heart beat quickly. Would the response be distracted, the cues undetected? Would Nikki care and give a listening ear?
All around her people were milling. Business. Movement. Smiling. Connecting. Greetings were made. Farewells waved. Hugs exchanged. Lunch plans arranged.
Would the moment pass by?
Nikki looked in Jen’s eyes.
Her heart stirred, she chose to care.
“Let’s talk somewhere quiet, away from here.”
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This was very well done. I am so glad the MC finally gets to be real with someone.
This reaches out to all of us at some level. Very nice. :)