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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Pastor (11/30/06)
Lord I’ ve been thinking………………..
…….of my life. Where I’ve been, what I’ve faced and what I will become. It has come to my attention that life is short and is no rehearsal. I think it would be great if I lived my life to the fullest and appreciated everyone and everything in my life. It would be an honor for me if I died having lived my purpose.

There is a positive side to everything. I thank God for the pain that I have faced in my life. It has taught me what healing of mind, body and spirit is all about. Each time I wake up and discover that I am on my feet and I am breathing I have every reason to thank God.
I thank God for the humiliation I have faced in my life. I remember when my friends left me and treated me as an outcast for reasons best known to them; Jesus was there closer than ever. When my parents were turned against me and sided with strangers rather than me, I felt alone but God kept near.

I also remember when people that I thought loved me cheated on me and took me for granted. It was so hard and my heart bled for years. For a long time, I had a fake smile but now God has healed my heart and my spirit is smiling too.

There was a time when I had a very malicious boss who put me down and spited me in front of people. At first it was very hard and I did not know what to do, but as I prayed Jesus heard me. He gave me love for her, taught me how to forgive and how to live in peace when everyone else wants to fight. He also taught me how to submit and to walk in the liberty of forgiveness.

I had my first encounter with men sexually when I was four years old. 3 family friends who were supposed to take care of me molested me. They took me into a room and the 3 of them, fondled me and touched me in a way that made me feel wrong and funny. I was afraid of telling anyone and I have kept that secret for these many years. Lord, you were still there as this was happening. I thank you for it could have been worse. Even as I grew up hating men you taught me that it was not all men who had hurt me, but just those three.

When my uncle also molested me when I was six I did not know where to run to as he was living with us at the time. Jesus I remember feeling weird each time I saw him and I feared him rather than loved him. He made me feel dirty. Jesus you actually kept him from raping me. Had you not been there I don’t know what I would be writing about today.

Lord you remember that time my pastor did not want to see me due to some lies and rumors that had been spread about me in church. I did not understand how my pastor could do that and he was supposed to be there for me. It was at this time Lord that you taught me to look up to you and no one else no matter how anointed they were. You taught me that you are the only true friend a person could ever have. He threw me out of church with his indifference towards me. It was very heartbreaking. But Lord, you stuck with me

Also that time that I did not have a job and I felt so incapacitated. I wanted to do so much but I could not and I felt so bad about it. It was like I had been crippled and could no longer walk on my own. But Lord you taught me that it is okay to lack once in a while as that is when I would get to know your provision.

I also felt like it was my fault that stuff wasn’t the way it should be but you showed me that it was not my fault and you assured that all would be well. At the time I could not see how it could happen but you taught me to have faith. I felt scared and you told me that it was okay and there was no problem in being vulnerable, as that would teach me to put my hope in you alone.

I remember that night when my brother came into my room when everyone else was asleep and he got into my bed and started pulling up my dress. I was so afraid and I remember sweating because I was terrified. I held on to my dress so tightly to keep him away and for some reason after he tried unsuccessfully, he went out. Lord I believe you were watching to make sure I was okay.

Lord you remember that man who tried to rape me? When he tried to strangle me and threatened to stab me so as to keep me quiet? For an unknown reason I was not afraid even when he dragged me to a room full of men watching pornography. Oh Jesus!!!
But I know that you are the one who gave me the courage and the way you threw him off me, I will never forget that moment. I believe in miracles.

There was also this time when I heard my dad trying to open the door to my room at 2 am in the morning. Jesus you woke me up and helped me to be alert. Thank God I had put on the lock, I don’t know what would have happened had he entered. I probably would be writing a very different story right now. It is amazing how you watch over us dear Lord and keep us from harm.

I also recall those times my family had issues and my mum and dad almost had a divorce. You know Jesus I used to hear about it, but when it came so close I did not know what to do but pray, have faith and hope that all would be well. Sure enough you sort out everything and you healed their relationship. It was at this time Lord that you taught me that no mistake is too big to be forgiven and not just by God but by us as well.

But its not like my life has always been tough issues, I have had pretty good times. You have given me joy for sadness; forgiveness for unforgiveness and you have put a smile on my lips that no one and nothing can ever take away. You gave me a song to sing; and that song is Jesus. Times when I cried myself to sleep, you would hold me in your arms and allow me to cry then you soothe me and make me sleep so soundly and wake up feeling so happy. You have become my shield, friend and the greatest part of me. Lord you are my life and I wouldn’t trade you for anything; not even for anything or anyone that you will ever bring my way. I love you Jesus and you know it; for whom you are and not for what you can do. Lord, you have taught me a lot and you are the pastor of my life.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Jan Ackerson
12/08/06
This is so heartbreaking! We feel every wrong with you, and your sweet spirit, too.
Leigh MacKelvey
12/11/06
Talk about unsung heros! Women ( and men) who have suffered sexual abuse and have been open to forgive and and have learned God's grace are brave and strong people. I'm glad you have developed a close and personal relationship with your Pastor.