The Official Writing Challenge
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A lot of good here, but a number of issues too. The stand alone couplets are pretty good, although some forcing is evident. Watch using affected language (thy) if your whole poem is not written that way. A little work and this method could be very interesting.
It is very distracting shifting from the old English ‘thy’ to the modern English ‘you.’ Kudos to you for the good rhyming job.
I feel so inferior to comment on poety, as I can't write it to save my life, but I really enjoyed this piece. You communicated the theme very clearly and with passion.