Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Enter (02/27/06)
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TITLE: The Bat Club | Previous Challenge Entry
By Larry Elliott
03/01/06 -
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“Who’s there?”
“It’s me, Billy, open up.”
“What’s the password?”
“Uh, batmobile.”
“Wrong, you may not enter.”
“Oh yeah, batpole.” Billy was getting irritated.
The trap door in floor of the tree house lifted by means of a rope and squeaky pulley.
“Enter the bat cave.” Rick invited.
Billy climbed the makeshift ladder and wriggled through the hole.
Rick began to let the door down slowly.
“You better hurry.” Billy said. “Your pesky little brother is right behind me.”
The door banged shut.
“Hey, let me in. I want to play.” Timmy called from below.
“You can’t. You’re not a member of the Bat Club. You’re too little.” Rick taunted his younger brother.
“I’m just a year younger than Billy’s brother and he’s a member.” Timmy whined.
‘Whap’ a pine cone slapped the ground in front of Timmy.
“Hey, watch it.”
“The next one won’t miss.” Billy yelled as he glared down over the side of the fortress.
Timmy could see another pine cone in his hand aimed and ready.
“I’m gonna tell mom.”
“Go on. Tattle tale, tattle tale.” Billy teased.
“That’s enough, Billy. He’s goin’ away.” Rick chided.
“Good for him.” Billy snorted and sat on a plastic milk crate. He pulled a crumpled pack of cigarettes from his back pocket.
“Want one?” He asked Rick.
“You know I can’t. I have asthma.”
“Oh yeah, you might get sih-yick.” Billy mocked.
No sooner had Billy lit up when Rick’s mother called from below.
“Rick. You let your brother play or you can go to your room. What do I smell? Is that smoke? You come down from there right now young man.”
Rick peered over the edge. There was Timmy next to their mother.
“It’s not me, it’s Billy.”
Billy crushed out the lit cigarette and tucked the pack away.
“Billy, it’s time for you to go home.” Rick’s mother said.
“Gladly.” Billy mumbled.
Once Billy hit the ground Rick’s mother held out her hand.
“Give’em here. And I will phone your mother.”
He handed over the contraband and glared at Timmy then mouthed silently, “I’ll get you.”
Timmy stepped closer to his mom.
“Rick?”
“I’m puttin’ stuff away ‘case it rains.”
“Can I go up, mom?” Timmy pleaded.
“Yes, you go right on up there and play until your brother comes in.”
Timmy watched his older brother gathering batman comics into a plastic container.
Rick finally said, “Let’s go.” Timmy went first, then Rick followed and lowered the door.
On the ground Rick Yelped and slapped his neck.
Timmy saw what had happened. A large wasp had stung his brother on the neck.
In seconds Rick’s neck turned bright red and started to swell. He began to moan and wheeze laboring for breath.
“Can’t breathe… inhaler… in the box… up there.” Rick pointed up the ladder.
Timmy may be younger, but he was old enough to know his brother was having an allergic reaction to the sting and that he needed his inhaler.
Timmy scurried up the ladder and pushed on the door. “I can’t open it. It’s too heavy.”
Then Timmy thought the older boys might be right. If he could not even open the door maybe he was too little to join their club.
This gave Timmy added motivation and he threw all his weight against the door. This time it flopped open.
He retrieved the inhaler and helped his brother take several puffs.
“I’m gonna’ get mom.”
Rick nodded.
“The doctor said if we were a little longer getting to the hospital, and if it wasn’t for your brother’s help, you might not have made it. Do understand what I am saying young man?”
Rick nodded. “Yes dad.”
“Good, now get some sleep.”
The next day Billy came by as Rick and Timmy were pitching a baseball.
“Hey Rick, what’s the password this week.”
“No password, and no more Bat Club.”
“What? Did that bee sting make you go crazy?”
“Nope. I’m startin’ a new club. It’s the Good Deeds club and to get in you have to do ten good deeds for someone else.”
“You are cuckoo. Besides, what good deeds have you done?”
“I don’t have to. It’s my club and I’m the president.”
“I’m a member, too.” Timmy beamed.
“No way. What are you gonna’ be, the gopher?” Billy laughed.
Then Rick said with pride as he put his arm around his younger brother.
“Meet my new vice president.”
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A line between "Rick nodded." and '“The doctor said if we were a little longer...' would effectively show the passage of time.
I wonder if this line might be said in a different way: "The trap door in floor of the tree house lifted by means of a rope and squeaky pulley." Maybe you could say, "Billy heard the pulley squeak as Rick pulled the rope that lifted the door in the treehouse floor."
In dialogue a comma, not a period, comes before the quotation mark and explanatory words. For example: “Enter the bat cave.” Rick invited. should be "Enter the bat cave," Rick invited.
The dialogue at the very beginning between Billy and Rick sounded very natural. I could picture the entire scene before me. Seemed just how siblings would act toward one another. Good job!