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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: PICNIC (07/14/22)
Gary carried the light blanket across the park and to the tree. The spot was well-shaded and a cool breeze danced across the grass. He spread the blanket out and slid the basket off his arm. He lowered himself slowly, with caution. The way an old man might sit down. Not a young man of twenty-one.

Was it residual effects from the chemo and radiation? Did he suffer, after all, from Long Covid? Or had the last two years just simply taught him to take nothing for granted, even the way you sit yourself on a blanket in the park?

“Gary, she is a simple girl. Fancy restaurants and elaborate meals may wow her, but they won’t woo her. You’re going to have to show her the basics to get her attention.”

Gary could still see his mother’s face, full of new youth and excitement over this revelation.

Without a doubt, there was something very simple and very basic about Candy Renee Linnsworth. Of course, on that day at his mother’s house, neither of them had known her middle name and Gary kept forgetting her last name. Funny how that changed. After the second date, when she met his mother; but before the third date that would never come.

Gary took a deep breath. He pulled a sandwich and a small container of potato salad from the basket. He sat them on the blanket in front of him. Then he popped the top on his Pepsi and filled a glass with the foamy liquid. He swallowed one long drink and then another. He sat a small peach cobbler beside the glass of Pepsi and surveyed the meal.

Except for the Pepsi, it was all his mom’s recipe’s. He didn’t have any grand delusions that it would taste like she had made it for him. But he was grateful for the opportunity to carry on her traditions. And honor this third date she was so excited to facilitate.
He would never know why he battled 18 months of chemo and radiation to come out victorious against the aggressive cancer that invaded his bone marrow, only to have the world as he knew it ripped from his grasp. Was it his own brush with death that had made this sweet, young ICU nurse so endearing to him? Before the virus took hold of his country. Before the words “fourteen days to flatten the curve” robbed him of everything he thought he had gained.

What if they had gone on their third date? Before she got sick? Before the cemetery across town held a grave whose headstone was engraved with the same name as his heart?

He would never know. But until he had this date, he would never be free to go on a first date again. That wouldn’t honor his mother, or Candy, or the Lord at all.

Gary pulled the bible from the basket. Thy Word O Lord is a lamp unto my feet. Where, O Lord, would you have me go from here?

He prayed. He took another drink of his Pepsi. And he waited for an answer.
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This article has been read 319 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Claudia Barrington
07/21/22
This is potentially a heartwarming story, but I'm confused about what is really going on. At first I thought his date was with a woman, but towards the end I wondered if the dates were with his mother? Hm. The bones of the story are there, but I have to be honest: I don't understand.

Things I write are also sometimes confusing. I know because people tell me so. Lol. That's what helps me to make it more clear the next time. This is how we help each other.

Keep on writing! Never quit!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/24/22
This is a sad story, but a rivoting one. It grabbed my attention immediately. It might have helped people to understand better if you started with the part about the third date never coming. It is a bit hard to follow because there's a lot going on. Some tightening would give you more words to explain. Leave out words like very and -ly words, also delete words like well-shaded and cool. For example if I were to edit it, I'd suggest you tighten it like this:
Gary carried the blanket and basket across the park and laid them beneath the tree as a breeze danced across the grass. Grimacing, he lowered himself, feeling more like an old man than a twenty-one-year-old college student.
That's just a quick example to show you what I mean that leaving words out can still paint a great picture without losing your voice, and give you more words to explain how even though he had cancer and was more likely to die, instead he wasn't with the girl because she died from COVID. (See I understood it fine! ;))
I think you nailed the topic and painted a great mental picture. The message of not knowing what might happen and needing to find a way to have some type of closure when the unexpected does happen is a timely message. I have tears in my eyes and truly enjoyed this thought-provoking story. With just a bit of tweaking, you have could have a story that would be a great fit for modern magazines.
Philippa Geaney
07/26/22
Wow this could be a super story. I think you've made the same assumption that I catch myself making. The assumption that since I know the whole story- the readers will.
Not so.
We need it spelt out- even at the sacrifice of some dearly loved phrases.
I tried hard to understand who died - mother? Nurse? or both.
What name is the same?
Sorry if I'm totally missing it. But you are a good writer. Love the word pictures you paint.
Keep at it!!