In Acceptance | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: In Acceptance | Previous Challenge Entry
By Lindsey Lillard
06/10/22
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The phone call hadn’t lasted long. Five, maybe six minutes. She had said very little, and by the end I could tell she was exasperated.

“This is too hard. I can’t do this.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll call you later when I have good service. I love you.”

“I love you too.” She hung up the phone.

I sat still on the back porch for a minute, slapping at the mosquitos that buzzed around my legs in the August humidity. She hadn’t said much. She had expected to see me more often. I traveled so much she thought I would’ve come up again since my visit the previous year. I had apologized. I wanted to see her, but I had a busy summer. I had a new job. I told her about how hard I had been working. She listened silently. I didn’t know if it was because her throat was hurting, or because her heart was.

I was relieved when she hung up. I knew what I should’ve said. I had known I needed to say it a long time. Someone needed to tell her. I never did. I would have the boldness next time I called. I would.
That day hung heavy on my mind as I sagged against the car in the darkness. I stared up at the wide, dark Texas sky, remembering that conversation. I tried hard to take deep breaths, to slow the choking sobs that had a hold on me only a moment before. A cool November breeze dried the tears that ran down my cheeks.

In the house in front of me my family was crowded in with cousins and a great-aunt. They were drinking soda and watching clips of race cars and telling stories of years long past. I couldn’t do it. They talked about a day only a month before. Times around the fire. Stories and songs and laughter. I should’ve been there.

I tried to dry my tears, to get a handle on the thoughts running rampant through my head. I was angry, so, so angry. Not with God, no. I knew He was just. I knew He was loving. I was angry with myself. The granddaughter that never called back. The granddaughter that never went to visit again. The granddaughter that was never obedient when the Lord prompted her to witness. The granddaughter who stood outside in the cool evening air and wondered if her grandmother was, in that moment, in Hell.

The end of her life hadn’t come suddenly. She had cancer, and even that was no surprise. I knew. I knew it was coming and I wasted so much time. I wasted so many opportunities to tell her how much Jesus loved her. That no matter what she was, no matter how impossible it seemed, Jesus loved her so much. He had given His life for her. He wanted to redeem her. I could’ve told her about the peace and joy of knowing that your eternity is secure in Him. Your today and every day after is secure in Him.

But I didn’t. It felt impossibly hard. I was embarrassed. And when I knew I had the boldness, when I felt that I could scream it from the rooftops, it was far too late.

There’s a difference between knowing something and truly understanding it deep within yourself. I’ve always known that my actions now have an impact in eternity. Now I truly understand the weight of a soul. I’ve come to understand that “In acceptance lieth peace.” (Amy Carmichael) I’ve repented of my inaction, but still, this heart’s cry is much like that of John Knox’s “Give me Scotland, lest I die!”

“Lord, grant me the souls of men lest I die! Give me an opportunity to minister again! Lord, give me Your boldness and Your words. Don’t let this heart fail when it matters most! Let this life be pleasing to You, God.”

At the end of my time on this earth, I want to hear the Lord say “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of thy Lord.” (Matthew 25:21) And in that joy, I want to know that I’ve brought everyone I can with me.

Non-fiction.

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