The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/01/21
My heart went out to you as you struggled with your faith; I was there too.
Although your entry was on topic, a few small changes could be made such as an institution (not a institution). Ask someone to read what you have written back to you, before submitting your entry. God Bless and keep writing.
My heart ached as I read this. The MC pulled me in right away and I found myself rooting for her. I think the true weakness was not failing classes, drinking, or getting driver's license but faith in herself. When I was 18, I became pregnant and felt despondent. I told a friend, "I've proof that God doesn't exist because the Bible says God will never give you more than you can handle (now I know that's not the quote, but back then I believed it), and this (being pregnant, disappointing my parents, boyfriend breaking up with me) is more than I can handle so therefore there is no God." My friend didn't hesitate before replying, "The only thing that proves is God has more faith in you than you have in yourself." That was a turning point in my life. I still experienced turmoil, but when I felt broken, I'd repeat the mantra, "God believes in me!"
I hope you can see how much God believes in your MC too. You've a powerful message here. It's a bit disjointed and jumps about, but the message is clear. I'd urge you to do more showing with actual dialog, body language, thoughts, and active verb sentences. Try to sound more realistic by using slang, contractions, and even incomplete or run-on sentences (especially in dialog). You need to let your piece set a few days then go back over it and figure out if the reader really needs to know how old you were or what month it is or other details. If it doesn't add to the story, leave it out. Work on transitions so each paragraph is connected to the previous one. Notice how each paragraph starts with a pronoun or preposition so don't be afraid to mix up sentence structures. You have an outstanding message here and you touched my heart in many ways. I feel your passion and your anguish. You've done a nice job of writing on topic and have a clear message. Keep writing!
08/02/21
Sue and Shann gave excellent suggestions, and I thought your MC kept her faith bravely through many disappointments.

I like to suggest reading your entry out loud to yourself to notice its flow.

There was a sentence near the end that didn't quite make sense, about who was called when the MC felt suicidal.

Good message on perseverance.