Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: WEAK (07/22/21)
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TITLE: Keeping Up The Faith | Previous Challenge Entry
By Cheryl saddlemire
07/22/21 -
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I started drinking alcohol when I was almost 18. I had a boyfriend, and we spent a lot of time together until he decided to cool it. He made excuses about being busy with going to work, watching T.V, and getting ready to join the arm forces. I cried to my mother about it, and she said that I was too young to settle down. I was only 18 then. My mother said that there would be other people.
In November when I was 18, I was in a vocational program where I was placed to work in a institution. I was doing janitorial work. My supervisor gave me a good recommendation on how well I did. The hospital was a place for the developmentally handicapped. I felt bad for patients who can not defend themselves. I saw that they received good care from the staff there.
I told my father that I wanted to get my driver's license, but he said that I was not ready. When I was 18 in a half, I renewed my driver's permit, and I took driving lessons with an instructor who I attended church with. Seven months later I got my driver's license! I felt that God answered my prayers. I did not have my own car, but my father let me drive his van sometimes.
When I turned 19, I was working another hospital for people who were mostly physically immobile. I was also did janitorial work there, too. I felt shy as I worked in the patients rooms, and their washrooms. A few months later, I felt comfortable there working with the housekeeping staff.
In the following January, I went to a local college where I took a evening course in Typing. It was not a pass or fail course which was less anxiety for me. I got a mark which was 35 wpm. I felt that the mark was satisfactory for me. After I finished the course I took a other courses in word processing, data processing, and creative writing.
In 1996, I received a statement of Achievement in Art and Science. I was happy, and my faith was getting stronger. I worked in a deli for almost 30 years, and for first few months after I started working there, the one girl I worked with was not nice to me. My boss was not nice to me sometimes either. I felt suicidal so I called my vocation worker, and I told he about.
I have to keep up the faith no matter what happens. I got let go at the deli because of covid, so now I work at a mall doing janitorial work. I believe that God gave me that job.
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Although your entry was on topic, a few small changes could be made such as an institution (not a institution). Ask someone to read what you have written back to you, before submitting your entry. God Bless and keep writing.
I hope you can see how much God believes in your MC too. You've a powerful message here. It's a bit disjointed and jumps about, but the message is clear. I'd urge you to do more showing with actual dialog, body language, thoughts, and active verb sentences. Try to sound more realistic by using slang, contractions, and even incomplete or run-on sentences (especially in dialog). You need to let your piece set a few days then go back over it and figure out if the reader really needs to know how old you were or what month it is or other details. If it doesn't add to the story, leave it out. Work on transitions so each paragraph is connected to the previous one. Notice how each paragraph starts with a pronoun or preposition so don't be afraid to mix up sentence structures. You have an outstanding message here and you touched my heart in many ways. I feel your passion and your anguish. You've done a nice job of writing on topic and have a clear message. Keep writing!
I like to suggest reading your entry out loud to yourself to notice its flow.
There was a sentence near the end that didn't quite make sense, about who was called when the MC felt suicidal.
Good message on perseverance.