Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: TRAVEL (07/08/21)
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TITLE: Death-Bound Travel | Previous Challenge Entry
By Laura Manley
07/15/21 -
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Alice rustled through one of her bags and found the small neck pillow she brought. As she continued to look through one of the bags she carried on, she felt the jolt of the train moving forward. She grabbed the armrest for support.
She placed the homemade pillow around her neck and closed her eyes briefly. Her heart did a flip flop as she began thinking about the purpose of her trip.
Alice’s younger sister, Mary Jane, needed her help. Alice’s nieces had burned out with their care of their mother over the past several months. It was time for Alice to step up and do what she could.
Mary Jane had suffered from tongue cancer in 2015 and now she had been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Alice couldn’t imagine life without her sister. She shook her head in an attempt to get rid of her thoughts. She began to focus on the scenery as she listened to the rhythmic clickety-clack of the train.
It would be dinner time soon. Alice never took advantage of the array of dinners offered by Amtrak. In fact, once Alice was planted in her seat, she didn’t move until she reached her destination. The train caused her to be unsteady on her feet and she wasn’t about to make a spectacle of herself. At home, she had made herself a delicious cold-cut sandwich that seemed to be calling her name. She reached in the bag holding the sandwich and carefully unwrapped it. She grabbed the napkin and lay it under her dinner. She prayed silently, thanking God for her meal and the opportunity to be a blessing to her sister upon her arrival.
Dinner over, Alice took a small blanket out of her bag. After placing it over her lap, she reached for her well-read and worn Bible, which she always carried with her. The sun was going down by then and it was time for her to settle in for the remainder of the trip. She fumbled with the button that was supposed to lean her chair back. She pushed and pulled, then spotted a handbook in the pocket of the seat in front of her. It seemed simple after reading the instructions. She smirked as she maneuvered her seat back. She had made something much harder than it should have been.
Alice awoke just before her destination. She thought she had set her alarm, but they were ahead of their schedule, and it hadn’t yet gone off. She scurried to put the blanket and pillow back into the bag it came out of. She tucked her Bible into her oversized handbag, grabbed her jacket and stood up. She always let everyone else off the train first for fear she wouldn’t move fast enough.
The train personnel helped her off the train. Just then, she locked eyes with her niece, the younger of her sister’s two daughters. Hugs and welcoming words exchanged, they ventured out into the balmy night air.
They reached Mary Jane’s home in record time, mainly because her niece drove like an Indy 500 driver. Satisfied that Alice was comfortable for the night, her niece left.
As she lay in her unfamiliar bed, she thought what lay ahead of her. She knew her sister was dying. She tried to hold back the tears, but her body began to react to her thoughts, and they came freely. She knew she had a long road to hoe. She had told her husband when she left their home that she didn’t know when she would be home.
Traveling to her hometown was the easy part. Alice remained there for almost a month and on June 3, 2018, she watched her sister lose her battle against the disease that claimed her body. But Alice had the joy of knowing she would see her sister one day in their Heavenly home. She also had the joy of being the vessel of leading her sister to the Lord just eight days before her passing. It left her with a peace she had waited on for many years.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: True story – my sister and I were like bread and butter. I miss her each day.
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Sighing, Alice settled into the train seat, readying herself for the eight-hour trek to her hometown.
Since this is a true story, I'd use the first person instead of the third. It will make it more personable. Be careful of clichés. I'd try to avoid them altogether since you have such a lovely way with words, but if you do use them, make sure you get it correct (long row to hoe, not road). You did a fine job of writing on topic. This is a lovely tribute to your sister, and I'm sure you and your family will treasure this story for some time.
You did a lovely job in your bittersweet entry however in the first couple of paragraphs, it seems that you repeated Alice's name unnecessarily.
I think Shann's advise about voice is sound for future entries.