Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: CONSPIRACY (01/21/21)
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TITLE: Cornbeef, Cologne, and Cramps | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jennifer Champion
01/23/21 -
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“I ain’t eatin’ it.” He said as he leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed.
Momma turned around from the stove, glared at him and said, “What do you mean you ain’t eatin’ it? That’s all your faverits’.”
“I know what you’re doin’ and it ain’t gonna work. I ain’t goin’ to that church.” Daddy smiled at Momma like he had just solved a prize winnin’ question on that TV game show he watches every Thursday night.
“I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. I just wanted to cook you somethin’ nice and if you don’t eat then I’ll give it to the dogs.” Momma had him there. If there was anything Daddy hated, it was givin’ good food to the dogs.
Daddy sat up, put both elbows on the table and started eatin’ fast. He was mad and Momma knew it, so she didn’t do nothin’ else until they got ready to go to bed.
After Momma tucked me in, she put the cat outside, and went to the bathroom. It wasn’t long before I could smell honeysuckle and knew she had sprayed some of her fancy cologne. Daddy must have smelled it too because I heard him yell at her.
He said, “It ain’t gonna work. I’m goin’ to sleep.”
Momma slammed the toilet seat down and yelled back at him, “Fine then. Go to sleep.”
It wasn’t long before I heard her talking softly so I got out of bed and snuck down the hall to listen. We don’t have a phone in the bathroom, so I thought maybe Momma was goin’ crazy talkin’ to herself. I put my ear up to the door and heard her talkin’ to God.
She said, “God, I’m so mad at that man. All I want him to do is go to church with me and Marcus. I know if he went, he would like it. I’ve tried everything I can think of and ain’t nothin’ workin’. He is as stubborn as they come. If you want him to go to church, then you move him because I can’t. Amen.”
I hustled back to my room and got in bed before Momma knew I had gotten up. I heard her shuffle down the hall taking the sweet scent of honeysuckle with her. I guess it was about three in the morning when God moved Daddy.
A charley-horse in Daddy’s right calf woke him up. I heard him hollerin’ and stompin’ around in the bedroom. He was yellin’ at Momma to go get the mustard. Momma wasn’t movin’ too fast I guess because Daddy kept yellin’. The cramp must have multiplied and soon he was screamin’ at her that it was in his left foot too. Daddy must have knocked over the hurricane lamp next to the bed while he was carrying on in the dark. I heard it break and him yell because it landed on his toe. Daddy was hoppin’ mad because Momma was being so slow.
“Get me the mustard woman and I’ll go to that blasted church with you tomorrow!” After Daddy yelled that out, I heard Momma shut the refrigerator door and soon after, Daddy squirting yeller’ mustard in his mouth. Within seconds, the cramps were gone, and Momma was sweepin’ up broken glass.
So, that brings me to now and how we got to sittin’ on the third pew in the Humble Baptist Church next to Lake Homer listenin’ to Pastor Jones preach about a burning bush. Momma had schemed every way she knew to get Daddy here but all it took was her tellin’ God to take over. Tomorrow, Daddy will probably tell all the men over at Mr. Wilson’s gas station that Momma plotted and put somethin’ in his food to give him those cramps. Then, the next thing you know, all them men will be watchin’ their wives like a hawk so they don’t get no cramps and have to go to church too. And I’m pretty sure I just saw Momma wink at Mrs. Pate sittin’ on the row next to us.
Ain’t it funny how God works!
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