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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: WOUND (11/26/20)
Prophet’s Cry
The prophet cries and weeps turning to the window. Outside are the people in the streets, going about their daily business, buying food, selling at the market, greeting neighbours and friends, borrowing money, feeding the animals, leading the flocks home.
Oh, what a wound I have, it is on the heart so deep I cannot bear it. Oh, who can save me from this pain? It is inside and yet the evidence is there for all to see.
The people are poor in heart and disobey God. They treat each other poorly and ignore the laws of God. There is no repentance or sorrow for sin. The generations of sacrifice and offering are forgotten. The only blood in the streets is that of violence and hatred.
The prophet turns his eyes to the sky, noting the birds.
The birds know when to fly and when to nest. That is their instinct, they know when to do what needs to be done. They follow what God has planted in them to know.
And back to the streets.
But my people do not know God. There is no remembering of redemption, forgiveness and salvation. They do not know how to listen and obey, instead there is lying and deceit. The people pretend to obey but are disobedient to the core of the Law.
They have rejected God and are left without wisdom. They do not know what is right, for they have rejected the right and chosen the wrong instead.
Watching the people again. A group of young men in a fight. A young person stealing from an old one. An old person swindling the young one.
Everyone wants gain, even the spiritual leaders who ought to be pure and holy. They also want riches and honour, taken by dishonest dealings.
Priests and prophets alike speaking peace when there is none. They also lie and steal to the people in their care. They do not fear God nor acknowledge Him.
The wound is deep and I cannot bear it. How can these be my people? My people who I have taken out of slavery and taught them My Law.
They long for peace and the prophets speak peace, but there is no peace for sin such as this. How can there be peace when God is not honoured? When people steal and lie and kill. There is no peace for such as these.
They have lost the capacity to feel pain for their sin. The evil of the heart has become an armour that does not feel sin. They no longer are able to hear or fear God.
The prophet turns and looks to the fields, the grain and the vineyards. There is little there to eat or save for the future.
No harvest, no figs, no grapes. There is no food for those who sin and sin indiscriminately and perpetually. Where can they go to be cleansed? Who will take the sin from their hearts and armour from their minds?
The prophet bursts into weeping again, wiping his eyes as he watches the people and the land suffering for their sin.

The offerings and sacrifices from these do not please God. There is no reminder of the death of the lamb, the slain for the redemption as in the last days in Egypt.

The wound is deep and there is no cure
For the people do not turn to their God and repent

They sin and sin and do not stop.
Their sin must be punished. The judgement will wipe out the sinners in their sin.
There is no One to rescue. Not even the balm in Gilead can cure this wound.

The prophet tears his gaze away from the window and turns inside. Inside the house there is one smoking lamp burning small in the darkness. He blows it out and walks away.


Based on Jeremiah 8 (NIV)
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This article has been read 267 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Arlene Baker
12/05/20
I love this story. There is so much potential! My few suggestions are:

First, tighten your hook. It's great but needs a bit of a tweak.

Second, SHOW what the prophet is seeing, don't just tell the reader. Make the scene come alive as you describe the actions - the thievery, the indifference to God, etc. Get the reader inside the prophet's head, until the reader is also caught up in the heart struggle.

Third, find a creative way to touch on the subject (wound) without stating the obvious

Fourth, the conclusion is a little rough. "Walked away" is a little weak. "Let the darkness envelop him" gives more of a visual of the bleakness of soul.

I hope that helps and would love to see more of your work in the future!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
12/08/20
You've done a fine job of bringing the words to life, making them dance right off the page. This would make a great section in a Bible study. I could easily see a group reading the Bible verses, your story, and then have a discussion. It's always a great thing when an author connects with reader and makes her think.
Bruce Phenix
12/08/20
I enjoyed this entry and think you write powerfully and expressively – thank you! Perhaps it could be a bit shorter for the purpose of the Writing Challenge, although I know that would mean being ruthless with yourself, which is not easy!
Barbara Culler 
12/10/20
Powerful words.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
12/10/20
Congratulations on ranking 3rd in your level and 19 overall. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.