The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: QUESTION (S) (05/30/19)
“He is coming, Moses.” Queen Hatshepsut glared at the small group of Hebrew slaves who had followed Moses into the throne room. “He is coming! The elite one hundred of his guard ride with him, Moses! He rides even now; he comes to guard his own, his throne, his sovereignty, his…”
“This pride in your voice, Queen Mother, is the same pride that shall bring your brother, your husband, your abomination down!”
Hatshepsut stood from her throne. She thrusted her scepter toward Moses. “My advice is from my heart, my once son. Pack your stuff onto some dreary beast of burden such as your fellow slaves. Run, Moses! Thutmoses breathes Egypt’s air even as we speak! He rides upon one fresh horse after another fresh horse. He will not abandon us. He carries hell with him!”
“Indeed,” said Moses. “How much suffering does he bring with him? How much guilt?”
“What guilt, Moses?”
“The guilt of his oppression of a hearty, robust race.”
“Who?”
“My people!” Moses thrust his staff at a group of armed Egyptians. The top of the staff seemed to twist around as if it were the head of a snake, sending the Egyptians in retreat to the throne room wall.


“Why despise me, Moses? I made you ruler! I made you Moses, heir to Thutmoses.”
“I only follow morality, Mother.”
You call this morality?” The queen swept her hand across Moses’s entourage. “Is it moral to abandon those who love you to join a race of common slaves?”
“I do, Hatshepsut.”
“Do not speak down to me, Moses!” The queen gripped the scepter tightly and sighed. “You left me here to die.’
“Yet you are not dead.”
“No help from you, Moses. I sit a miracle before you today. We saw so much in you. Now it is all wasted on your fantasies.”
“Not fantasies, Mother.”
“In my court what I say is true”
“Then hear this truth, Queen Mother: Your throne is nothing to my God! He scoffs at you in your desert. The life of Egypt lies in the hands of the winsome gods.” god of the Nile.”
“Egypt is a good country, Moses.”
“Your river, and other gods, will soon grow very sick with my stay here. No more will your servants believe in their Pharaoh, that he is god. Though they confess with their lips that Pharaoh is one god of many, they will scoff at your failures when they are alone.”
“That is your will for me, Moses?”
“No, mother. If the words were mine, I would fail in action as miserably as I fail in speech. These are the solemn, angry words of my God. He said it, and he will bring it to pass!”
***
“God does not fear your desert of dry bones. I assure you, he does not. You have no rain, so you serve the Nile. You lack forests. Your lips are blistered, your tongues dry, and your throat parched.
“Of all these things my god disapproves; however, his anger is set against your treatment of his people. You will crumble you and your co-regent Pharaoh. You will pay for what you have stolen.” Moses grew into a huge mighty authority in the Pharaoh’s throne room. He scowled at its elegantly dressed queen. “So where is he, your constant brother and sometimes husband? I wish to counsel with this great man!”
Moses turned and shook his left fist at the throne room guards; thrust out his wooden staff. They did not shrink from his staff, but fright had sunken into their souls. They could not keep the fright from showing in their eyes.
“Who is your god, Moses?”
“The ‘I AM’!” Moses’s shout filled the room. “My God, and the God of my people, has called me to come. He appeared to me from the midst of holy fire. He commands you; he commands all who inhabit this once blessed; now forsaken land, “Heed my warnings, or lose all the good things once valued by you!” Moses shouted, filling the room with his wild graying head and glowing blue eyes. “My God is the 'I AM'. You shall yield to his command as surely as I stand here in command of your court today! Now where is your brother?”

Hatshepsut gasped as she awoke in her bedchamber. Her scream carried through the palace.
“Queen, why do you shout,” said her slave.
“It is Moses,” cried Hatshepsut. “Moses is coming; the anger of his god with him!”
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 629 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Rachel Burkum
06/08/19
I loved hearing Moses' thundering voice in my head! You portrayed his passion well.

A couple little things I noticed... Moses' name is used a whole lot in the dialogue, and probably isn't necessary. (Same with "mother.") I know when I'm conversing with someone, I rarely use their name to their face. :)

I had to admit, I was a bit disappointed at the end when it was just a dream! While we know it was a true story that was about to unfold, I felt it was a bit of a letdown. It's obviously a fictional take on a true story, so don't be afraid to simply leave it as such.

Great entry - a little polish and this could turn into a really fun take on the Exodus story!
Dennis Gallemore
06/09/19
Good story...I agree with Rachel about not using the dream theme. I've done that in the past and I received the same comments.
Barbara Culler 
06/09/19
I was enjoying the dialoging, but it would have been much easier to read and follow if you had put spaces between each speaker. After the asterisks, I was not really understanding what was going on, and skimmed through it. Spacing would have helped it to be more clear. I did not catch that it was a dream. This piece has a lot of potential to it, and it could be a really good story.
Terry R A Eissfeldt 
06/11/19
This could be the exert of a novel...are you writing one? I would read it! Blessings
Donald Standeford
06/12/19
I am actually working on a trilogy on this subject. I also already have three books on Kindle, and one on audible, another on the way to audible.

Thanks,
Donald Standeford
Rachel Rudd
06/12/19
The dialogue felt real and relevant. Good job! I would normally agree with the other comments about the dream idea, but since I don't think Moses would have been this eloquent in speaking, I thought it was fine that it was a dream. I've also had the same comment, though, when I've used the dream idea.