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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: SNOOZE (07/20/17)
When I buy a package of sleeping pills, I write the date on it. I do this because I am afraid. I’m afraid of becoming addicted, but more importantly, I’m afraid of how much I’d rather be asleep than awake sometimes. I write the date, because that package of 48, better last me two years. I’d better be cutting those pills in fourths, and only taking that small portion on a really as needed basis. As needed meaning; I haven’t slept through the night in two nights and I have to work tomorrow so I really have to get some rest.


I’ve had friends with chronic physical pain, and I’ve felt compassion for them. I’ve wondered how they manage to live with it. How do they make it to work, not get strung out on pills, and manage to function. I understand it better than I thought, because I live with chronic emotional pain.


After my mom died, I heard the Lord speak to my heart, “Be still.” In my knowledge of the Bible, I added, “And know that I am God.” But that’s not what He spoke to my heart. I don’t struggle with knowing He’s God. I know He is a good God, loving Creator, and good Father. What I didn’t know, and don’t know, is how to be still.
To keep from feeling this constant low grade ache, I need to be doing. I am afraid of the silence; every space needs something in it. I fill the spaces with sleeping, working, cleaning, visiting, offering advice, teaching, going to church, playing, watching TV or movies, Face booking, Netflixing, game playing, reading, writing, studying, something, anything. Because when I stop doing, and filling the spaces, I feel the underlying discomfort. The busy helps me push it down, and being still lets it rise to the surface.


Despite the pain, I’ve learned how to go forward and do what’s needed. I function. I’m not strung out on alcohol or drugs. I contribute to family, friendships, and society. So what’s the problem? Why not just stay busy enough doing good things and contributing to not feel? The problem is I think there is more to living than that. There is more to walking as a child of God than just pushing down what hurts and staying busy. I know God can heal me at the heart level if I can just be still.


Yesterday, I stopped long enough to ask God to help me be still. I picked up my guitar and played a few worship songs. Tears flowed. I looked online for articles for Christians with depression. There was one about offering our broken hearts to God for healing. I offered it to Him, and thought, “I know I’ve done this before. I know I’ve offered my pain, my heart, and all the broken pieces to Him on other days as well, and I’ve experienced freedom and healing at those times.” I listened to some healing worship songs on YouTube. More tears. Then I got busy again and played phone games until I could fall asleep.


God woke me in the middle of the night. It was quiet. I felt the stillness. I sat in that silence and just listened and waited. I didn’t try to find peace in going back to sleep. I sought it in the stillness. After awhile, I knew these two things. God was and had been healing my heart. And secondly, I would face this battle again.
Some wars are won with a single encounter, and some are won with a full on campaign. The battle for my heart, life, and faith is a strong one. The enemy uses every past hurt to try to disable me, and will not be easily dissuaded. Yet, I am encouraged, and I will walk in God’s peace today. I will offer my brokenness to my Lord as many times as necessary to one day, have complete victory.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Raymond Bouchoc
07/30/17
The entry reflects the struggles of so many people! I am not sure about the connection to "snooze," but the ongoing battle people face is well drawn out. I particularly liked the reference at the end about some battles being won quickly while others "with a full on campaign."
Judy Sauer 
08/02/17
You poured out your heart and soul in this touching story. There were several points in your story near the end that I could personally relate.

Keep writing.
Larry Whittington
08/03/17
Thank you for entering a well written confessional.The feelings are real and well expressed. There is sometimes a small act of our obedience to Jesus that is not understood or accepted as true the way it is written in our Bible. We may still have these feeling as you described if we don't recognize the facts and accept the facts as the Bible states them. That act is the act or occasion of our baptism. The Bible says that our baptism is for the forgiveness of our sin. If we don't realize and accept that fact, we may not have the peace in our heart and mind. We want to have our sins forgiven but if we don't believe what the Bible says about our baptism, we may not enjoy that peace. Quietly read Acts 2:38 (or all of Acts 2) and see if it gives you a feeling of peace as you reflect on your own baptism. Sorry this is so long.