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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: JAM (02/09/17)
"OH my gosh"! I thought. "What am I going to do now? I never dreamed I would get into a jam like this."

All I wanted to do was catch my dog before he got lost. I wasn't planning to take a dip in the cool, sparkling water after I caught up with him. It was just so pretty as it moved along beside the path where we were walking.

I should have listened to Mama's warning. She always tells me not to go near the river without her or Daddy beside me--I should know by now whenever I do something Mama tells me not to I get into big trouble.

It wasn't raining when I left the house. It was a little cloudy but that's nothing out of the ordinary up here in the mountains where we live. The clouds were pretty and white, not at all like they look now, all black and scary.
When I slipped out the back door I was planning to go out and play with Snookums, our black Lab for a few minutes until my favorite TV show comes on. We romped around a little while and then he started running down the path. I yelled really loud for him to come back but he just kept running. I knew Mama wouldn't hear me yelling cause she was on her IPad when I came outside and she never hears anything when she'is checking her email and talking to her friends, so I just kept running after Snookums yelling , "stop!"

Well, he did slow down a bit and we began walking along the path by the water and it was so pretty, I just kept walking--but then the rain started, so hard, it was like the whole sky had opened up! As we ran, suddenly the ground just disappeared from under my feet and I fell into the river. It was deep, and I'm not a very good swimmer .

I panicked and started screaming and throwing my arms all around--then I sank!

As I rose to the surface I screamed . The water was carrying me way down stream and I kept going under and then back up and searching for something to grab hold of but couldn't reach the limbs that were sticking out into the water. Snookums was running along the path beside me, then he ran ahead a ways and jumped into the water. As I reached him, I was afraid he would drown with me but then he managed to get right beside me and somehow, I knew he wanted to help me so I took hold of his tail and he swam with all his might and I peddled with my hands and together we made it to the beach and stumbled out of the river.

AS I raised my head to see where we were, Mama was running toward me, arms reaching out to hold me. She had heard me screaming for Snookums to stop and came running out just in time to see me running after Snookums but she couldn't catch us. She had been trying to catch me all the time I was near drowning and couldn't run fast enough.

She just hugged me all the way home.

Of course, by the time we reached home she had lots to say about how I didn't mind her and that's why I ended up in such a dangerous mess. She was pretty mad at me, but I told her I will never do it again, so she forgave me.

Would you say a little prayer for me to be able to keep that promise, cause I don't ever want to get into a jam like that again!
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This article has been read 672 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Teresa Trotter
02/16/17
The story was great. Very creative. I felt like I was right there, floating down the river with you. And I could sense your mom's panic and relief, at the same time.

The only thing I would change is the last sentence. I was uncertain as to who you were asking to pray for you. Was it the reader of your story, or your mom?
C D Swanson 
02/17/17
Loved the title, and loved your story!
Well done,
Blessings~
Dennis Gallemore
02/17/17
Very dramatic story; well done!
Sherry Brock
02/18/17
The pace and phrasing of this entry seemed so authentic to me. I could picture a boy & his dog getting into trouble & finding a way to help each other.

I'm not sure about some of the grammar...but then again, that seems to lend itself to the young MC and his telling of his adventure.

It will be interesting to see how it does with the judges. I give it two thumbs up...for whatever that's worth. Can't wait to read more from you.
Larry Whittington
02/19/17
I know it may not matter but I could not determine if the main character was a boy or a girl. I know the dog has to be a girl (I think) because I use the name "Snookums" as an endearing name for young girls.

I like the fast action. The slipping in could have been described a little more for readers to see it in action.

Help me with this. Does the verb in this phrase "favorite TV show comes on" match with the other verbs in your sentence?

I can see a "boy" almost doing this on purpose, if he thought he could get away with it.

I liked the read.
Phillip Cimei
02/19/17
Right on topic. Good read. A few suggestions. These are just my points of view. Hope they help. I would move the sentence: "I panicked and started screaming..." to be the first sentence. Then you've got me. Go back and count the "was, were, and am" verbs. Replace the sentence with action verbs. Look forward to future writings.