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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: GATHERING (07/14/16)
He was alone. He felt it. Inside, he cowered like a child with his arms raised above his head in protection. Hank stood and looked at the mountain before him. It rose over him. Why had he come here? He turned and looked behind him. As much as he wanted to go back, and go a different way, there wasn’t any time. He had to keep going forward. Facing the mountain, he placed his hand on the pouch at his side, and went on.

He walked, but refused to look up, fixing his eyes to the ground where he stepped. He pushed his body forward against the incline of the path, each step harder than the last. His sweat-drenched clothes lay heavy on him. The dust clung to him, gathering tenaciously as if he was their only water source.

He stumbled and fell to his hands and knees, swooning. He dared to look up. On one side, the mountain loomed up threatening to fall over and crush him. On the other side, the precipice pulled at him, trying to hurl him over its edge. He swooned again. Gloom gathered inside, like storm clouds ready to unleash their fury. He felt for the pouch, and found it. He needed it. That’s what brought him to this place.

Blindly, he groped around until his hand found his canteen. He tried to conserve water, but drank deeply, unable to stop. He drained it dry, and dropped it.

He tried to stand, but couldn’t. He weighed a million pounds. His body groaned against his will, keeping him down like a boulder. A small breeze brushed his face. Strengthened slightly, he rose and plodded on, but the path afforded no relief.

A gust of wind pushed him, pressing his back against the mountain. Inches in front of him, the sheer drop fell away into oblivion. When had the path narrowed?

“I can’t do it!” He cried out. He squeezed his eyes shut. Sweat and tears poured down his face. Then, he felt a breeze, and another, and another. Each one strengthening him slightly.

Finally, he dared open his eyes. He blinked, not believing what he saw. Horses and chariots of fire gathered about him, ready for war. His spirit soared within him like the chariots that soared in front of him.

Then, they disappeared. He wasn’t alone after all. A host surrounded him. He inched along the mountain’s wall. In a few feet, not only did the path widen again, but veered downward. He turned to face the declining path, straightened his legs, squared his shoulders, and marched down the mountain. Dust billowed out from under his boots with each step he hammered in front of him.

Then he saw it. “Finally!” The village lay in front of him. But, what was that? He tilted his head and furrowed his brows. Who were all those people?

He stopped. He stared. The sky spun. Was someone talking? The ground bobbed up and down. He flew through the air. He needed to wash his car. It was blue. Had he fed his dog? He let her out, right? …

He opened his eyes. Bill slept on a cot next to him. “Bill?” Hank said, sitting up.

Bill stirred. “Hank? Hank! You’re awake! Welcome back!”

“What happened?”

“You’ve been sleeping two days. Before you showed up, we ran out of water, and you hadn’t returned. On the day you appeared, we decided to gather outside the village, and we prayed in shifts all day long. We prayed and prayed. Then, one of the little girls spotted you. There you were, just standing there. The young men rushed to help you. You collapsed in their arms.”

“Did I bring it in time?”

“Yes. We found the spiral drill rod in the pouch and inserted it into the core drill. After that, reaching the water source was easy,” Bill said. “You should’ve seen the people when the water shot out of the ground!”

Hank made it, but it nearly cost him his life. God never left him, though. He used the prayers of these good people to save him, even as He used him to save them. He knew a bond had been made with them, a strong bond. Forward, they would go, as friends, but more than that. They would go together as fellow-servants of God, and it was all for His glory.
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This article has been read 593 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Toni Babcock 
07/23/16
Great writing, the reader can feel the exhaustion and pain your MC is going thru. Nice resolution at the end.
Lea Austin
07/24/16
I was pulling for Hank all the way, hoping he would survive. I think the last paragraph summarized the story well but might have flowed even better if it had written from the MC’s point of view. Instead of “Hank made it . . .” it could have started with something like, "I made it,” Hank rejoiced silently, “but it nearly cost me my life . . . .”
Larry Whittington
07/25/16
This exciting adventure unfolds as it nears the end.

The main character was described by his difficulties.

Nice work.
Bonnie Bowden 
07/28/16
Congratulations, Raymond, on placing 1st place in the Intermediate category and moving up to the Advanced category. I just knew you would move up; It wasn't a matter of if but when.

I liked the building tension throughout. The ending, though not anti-climatic, would be better if seen through the eyes of the MC.

Brenda Rice
07/28/16
Congrats on your placement.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/30/16
Congratulations on ranking 1st in your level and 17 overall! Happy Dance!
Bea Edwards 
08/22/16
Congratulations on your level win with this exciting tale.