The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/10/15
Very descriptive writing, but you need to avoid the confusion of changing tense - as you twice set the scene in the present and then switched to past tense. Your dialogue was credible, but without a few signposts it was difficult to know who was speaking.
11/11/15
Thanks for the great critiques. I don't usually do dialogue so I need any and all help. I also wrote this with no 2nd "go overs". I can't wait to get back in the swing of regular writing.
11/11/15
Comments already mentioned structure, so I'll just mention story-line. LOVED IT!

I met Daphne Dread (great name)years ago and it took a lot of practice giving her the boot!

Keep up the good work!