Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: GOING HOME (from vacation) (09/03/15)
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TITLE: Homeward Bound | Previous Challenge Entry
By Judy Sauer
09/07/15 -
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‘It is hard to believe that our vacation is already over,’ Jilly mutters to herself. ‘We had such fun times with the grandchildren, and their parents, of course. It’s time to get back into the reality of everyday life: wake up early, eat breakfast, go for a walk, shower, then spend quiet time with God.’
“Hon, do you have the sunscreen? It needs to be packed in the checked bag because it is too large for carry on,” Jilly inquires.
Harry replies, “Yes, here it is. I really wish we didn’t have to pick and choose which items can go through Security and which must be checked. With today’s changing rules on checked bags, and even carry on bags, the airlines get us with extra prices one way or another,” Harry bemoans.
“I sure am going to miss the grandkids. They grow up so fast. That little one is a precious doll. I love them all, equally, yet, is it wrong if I say I have a favorite?” Jilly apologetically poses to Harry.
“It’s okay with me, but let’s keep it between us two. We don’t want to cause friction,” Harry cautions.
’All inclusive resorts are the best,’ Jilly thinks to herself. They certainly offer so much for the money, and all the fun kid activities keep them occupied. It’s nice that they offer childcare so the adults can relax in the evenings.
”I’m going to miss this resort,” she tells Harry.
“Jilly, I’m going to the office center to print our boarding passes. I’ll be back soon,” says Harry. ’This will give Jilly a chance to finish up her packing without me in the way.’
When Harry returns, Jilly announces “I’m finished packing. We need to vacation more often because I get faster with each trip.”
"We need our passports, babe, to clear Customs,” he states. Jilly hands the passports to him along with the Health Screening and Declaration forms. She was prepared. “Looks like we’re ready to go.” Harry holds the door open to let Jilly get out of the door first. “Next stop is home.”
Fiction
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You could improve the dialogue by leaving most speech tags out. For example, consider this fragment:
“I sure am going to miss the grandkids. They grow up so fast. That little one is a precious doll. I love them all, equally, yet, is it wrong if I say I have a favorite?” Jilly apologetically poses to Harry.
Jilly's words already contain the apology, so you don't have to add that she apologetically poses it to her husband. You can give your reader more credit...:)
You could also work some more on the article's message, but it surely conveys the warm affection between Jilly and Harry. And it is absolutely on topic. Well done and keep writing!