Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS (Don't write about the song) (04/16/15)
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TITLE: Brand New Day | Previous Challenge Entry
By Lisa Carter
04/17/15 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
as I awake with a start
slept the whole night through
thanks to my still beating heart
one, two
My eyes can see clearly
the blue birds fly along
my ears can hear their chorus
of their favorite morning song
three, four
I jump out of bed and stretch
arms pointing to the sky
if I could I'd join them
for I feel like I could fly
five, six
I wake each of my children
their eyes gaze up at me
their mommy's heartfelt smile
is exactly what they see
seven, eight
Get breakfast on the table
we eat our bellies full
then headed out the door
off to work and school
nine, ten
The sun is steady smiling
as I drive along my way
can't help but just be thankful
to see a brand new day.
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I'd recommend that you polish this a bit by making each stanza more consistent in meter. For example, your first stanza has lines of 6, 7, 5, and 7 syllables, while your second stanza has lines of 6, 6, 7, and 7. The other stanza also lack metrical consistency. If you smoothed out the meter, the poem would have an easier flow. You'll also want to be sure that your stressed and unstressed syllables have a consistent pattern.
This poem is a simple song of praise, and its vocabulary and imagery are consistent with its tone. I could easily visualize the actions or the items in each stanza.
I'm not great at hearing meter, so I won't comment on that, but I did notice a line or two that made me stop and reread. I realize punctuation is a stylistic approach, but be careful about lines that could be misinterpreted and make the reader stop and reread. For example:we eat our bellies full
then headed out the door
off to work and school
It sounds like you're eating your bellies when I first read it. Also in that part, you switch from present tense to the past with the word headed.
I'm not sure if this fits the meter because I am tone-deaf, but perhaps something like this might show you want I mean:
We eat 'til bellies feel full
And then head out the door, off to work and school.
I realize it would need more tweaking, but wanted to try to show you what I meant. You did a great job of creating vivid mental pictures for me. The message about how even in the mundane ordinary days, God is constantly blessing us; we just need to open our eyes. As I'm writing this, I thought, oh if open eyes instead of awaken was used it would also set up that message in a powerful way. You also do that when children gaze at you. What a brilliant way to put a little extra umph into this profound message. Just like children look at us with love and we to them, imagine how much more God's eyes sparkle with love when he looks at us. Though poetry isn't my favorite genre, you certainly touched my heart.
God bless~