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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Facepalm (05/15/14)
Abner was walking up to the ticket machine at the train station when a man approached him and said. "Didn't, I see you at the meeting?

Abner face turned red. "What meeting? I don't know what you're talking about." Abner tried to stick a paper dollar bill in the coin slot.

The strange man smiled. "That dollar isn't going to work in the coin slot."

Abner covered his face with his hand, shook his head, and then put the dollar in the right slot. "Leave me alone, I told you I don't know what you're talking about."

The strange man giggled. "You're that rich man, I know I saw you at the meeting."

Abner pulled the ticket from the slot. "Get away from me. You don't know what you're talking about."

The man trailed Abner to the train platform. "What are you so embarrassed about?"

Abner covered his face with both hands as he sprinted to the edge of the platform. The stranger keep pace with Abner.

The stranger smirked as he ran in front of Abner. "Didn't you ask Jesus a question?"

There was an announcement over the intercom. "Due to a mechanical problem Trains may be delayed for five to ten minutes." Abner shook as he scurried to the other end of the platform.

Abner took a deep breath and exhaled as he kept his back to the stranger. "If you don't leave me alone, I'll call security."

The strange man's face turned from a smirk to a frown. "I don't want to hurt you. I didn't hear what Jesus said to you. I was curious about what he said."

Abner clenched his jaw as he turned around. "Okay, I asked Jesus what I can do to have life forever. He told me that if I want to go to heaven I have to sell everything I have. I put my big screen TV ahead of Jesus. There you go, now back off!" Abner put both of his hands on his face and started to cry. Just then the train came and Abner walked lamely on the train. A tear flowed out of Abner's eye. "Pl…pl..ease leave me alone."

The stranger stood outside of the train and lowered his head. "I'm sorry." The doors closed the train rolled away.

He then sat down on the bench and cried. "Lord, maybe I'm too rich. I want to go to heaven. Lord please help me, maybe I need to get rid of all my possessions."
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This article has been read 820 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
C D Swanson 
05/22/14
Great job!

I enjoyed it from start to finish.

God bless~
Robert Douglas Brown
05/25/14
This is a really good article. Nothing fancy, but written with the correct words to bring the reader in, and keep him there from beginning to end. I am no expert whatsoever, but I know a good article when I see one. This is a very good article indeed!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/26/14
I really like the idea behind this story. I think it is quite creative to do a modern take on the familiar parable.

Some things seemed slightly out of place. It's hard for me to see a grown man giggle and how can he sprint down a busy subway area with his hands over his face. I realize you used it to make sure the story was on topic, but you nailed the idea of a facepalm.

I liked your ending too. I could easily picture the MC burying his face in his hands. You did a great job of building the suspense too.
C D Swanson 
05/29/14
Congratulations!
God bless~