The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
65You did a nice job with this piece. I could feel the emotion of the MC. You also paced the story at the right pace--not too slow nor too rushed.

The main red ink I would have is when you are writing in the past tense and you go back to an earlier past you need to add the word add. My example is this line: My father placed his hand on my shoulder
It seemed like he was doing it right then as the MC was looking at the picture, but by adding had: My father had shows the reader that you're back in the memory again.

I think the ending was strong. It allows the reader a bit of hope and I think the ending, though open-ended was the perfect ending for this piece. I also liked the journal approach. Nice job.
I believe this is "the second" entry with the same story??

Well done, and well written, and certainly on topic.

God bless~