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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Light at the End of the Tunnel (01/23/14)
A LOUD CRY

The land of fragrance was in a flurry of activity. The loud voices of men filled the air as I sat down and waited in anticipation. In awe, I listened with rapt attention, absorbing all that was said about Him. They could not stop talking. Excitement filled their voices. Could this be? Was He truly passing by? I asked myself.

The stories the men told of Him were extraordinary. I have heard the stories and many more before. But as they spoke today, I believed. Sighing heavily I reminisced in anguish. This is my only chance. I cannot afford to miss this opportunity. I am tired of living this way; tired of living each day at the mercy of others. With great determination, I continued sitting down, waiting patiently for His arrival. I could hear the crowd around me. The heavy footsteps of men walking, the beautiful sounds of children running, the echoes from the dancing feet of women all combined to create a rhythm that made my soul want to dance . A smile crept on my lips. Hope at last. He was coming.

By the road I waited. Not in reproachful misery but in joyful anticipation. The sounds changed. The shouts became louder, the singing more joyful and the laughter more contagious. At that moment all I wanted was to catch His attention as He passed by. With the scores of people it seemed impossible. What could I do to make Him notice me?


Taking a deep breath I prepared myself and screamed from the depths of my being.

“Jesus, Son of David! Take pity on me!”

The people around shooed me away. Be silent they said. Should I let their reprimand stop me? I asked myself. No I will not. With great determination, I screamed louder,

“Jesus, Son of David! Take pity on me!”

My heart beating heavily against my chest, I waited. I wondered if He had heard me. The deafening silence of the crowd made tears fill my eyes. He heard. The Master heard.

Someone said to me, “He calls you.”

Listening to the tugs from within my spirit, I got up and walked. People gave way. They made a path for me as I walked towards him. My steps unsure for I knew not the path I was taking. I allowed my heart to guide me. I felt the light. I was going to the Master. I was going to the source of life.

After a few paces, I stopped and waited, sure that I stood before Him.

“What do you want me to do for you?” He asked me.

Finally, after years of living in misery. Trusting only in my one true companion - the bowl with which I begged for alms, I would have my heart desire; my only desire. With a broken voice filled with emotions from years of anguish, self-loathing and reproach, I said,

“Teacher, I want to see again.”

My heart was literally in my mouth as I waited. A second of waiting for the Master’s response felt like an eternity. Finally, I heard his voice.

“Go. Your faith has made you well.” Jesus told me

Slowly the dark film that covered my eyes for many years disappeared. I, Bartimaeus son of Timaeus beheld the face of my Savior and Lord. In complete awe I stared, because for the first time in years I could see.

The stories the men had told me of Jesus is the truth; the twelve year old daughter of Jarius, the woman with the issue of blood, the man with the withered hand. All healed because they believed. All experienced the healing and saving power of the Messiah. Now I too was a living testimony. I too have experienced the amazing love of Jesus. Smiling, singing and dancing, I followed the ONE who had given me light.



************This is a work of historical fiction. The outline of the story is provided by the bible and based on the gospel written in Mark 10: 46-52 GNB. I have only tried to create action, dialogue and internal motivation while staying true to the message.
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This article has been read 460 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Wendy B McLain
01/30/14
Very nice rendition of the story of blind Bartimaeus giving us a sense of what he was experiencing in the moment. His anticipation of being touched and healed by the Master was delightful to read.

I noticed a few errors in grammar and punctuation such as this example; "The stories the men had told me of Jesus is the truth;"

It should read; The stories the men told me of Jesus are the truth. Or; The stories the men told me of Jesus are true.

Tightening up (cutting out words that are not necessary) my writing as a writer is something I am learning to do as per other comments I've read on other entries.

One more thing on the footnote you left, the story of Bartimaeus is true so I believe what you meant to type there is historical non-fiction huh?

Great story and keep writing.

God bless~
Toni Babcock 
02/02/14
Good use of internal dialogue. I especially like the climactic transition when the blind man took courage and got up to walk toward Jesus,... "Listening to the tugs from within my spirit, I got up and walked. People gave way. They made a path for me as I walked towards him. My steps unsure for I knew not the path I was taking. I allowed my heart to guide me. I felt the light. I was going to the Master. I was going to the source of life." Great writing!
C D Swanson 
02/04/14
Beautiful job!

God bless~
Michele Fleming 
02/05/14
What a wonderful picture of what it was like for the blind man!

Great job!
C D Swanson 
02/06/14
Congratulations!

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
02/07/14
Congratulations on ranking 1st in your level and 23 overall. (The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.) Happy Dance!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
02/07/14
I think you did a great job with this. The idea is a great take on the topic. You brought the characters to life and made them feel real. You may want to put thoughts in italics to make it stand out and the reader can pick it up that it's thought right away. It would be considered historical fiction because even though he is real and from the Bible, you sprinkled fiction over the Bible story by adding the dialog and thoughts. Great job. :-)