Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Where Angels Fear to Tread (not about the book) (09/08/11)
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TITLE: The Angel waits | Previous Challenge Entry
By Belinda Borradaile
09/15/11 -
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Six year old, Sarah, curled on the icy tiled floor, with her eyes closed in anticipation of the scene unfolding around her, thinks about the words her friend, Katy, spoke to her at school at play time…
‘When I feel scared, my mom said I should talk to my Angel and he will keep me safe’
Sarahs dad calls her his Angel, she knows she is not one, but feels so when he gently holds her.
Sarahs mom says her dad is a good man, so they must be good too, so he can have his peace.
Sarah is not sure if she was naughty today, she hopes she was not. Mom asked dad why he was home late…why did she say that? She knows it makes him angry.
Sarah thinks again about the Angel her friend said everyone has, she wonders if he is watching her now, as she rocks her tired body under the kitchen table. He can’t be real she thinks, surely he would have been here by now if it was true.
‘Where has that little brat gone?’ Sarah hears her father slur as he begins to look for her.
‘Let me go father,’ Joshua pleads. ‘I am so angry, I can’t bear it anymore!’
Joshuas father looks into his face, waiting, to hear the words they both long to hear,
‘No Josh, you cannot interfere, you have not been asked. Do not be afraid’
‘But I am afraid father, I am afraid he will harm Sarah.’
‘Mommy, my friend at school, Sarah, says she can’t get to sleep at night because she is too afraid.’
‘What is she afraid of my love, did she tell you?’
‘No mommy, but I told her about our Angels and said she should talk to hers when she is scared.’
‘Well done, what do you think we should do my girl?’
‘Well mom, I was wondering,are we were allowed to ask Sarahs Angel to take care of her?’
‘I think that’s a great idea Katy…but then it’s into bed see…’
Joshua launched out of his crouching position, his fear for Sarah surging in his spirit, the power of words spoken by a little girl and her mother, powering his flight.
‘Oh there you are…what you crying for? Come here! I’ll give you something to cry about…Man, who’s at the door at this hour?’
‘Sorry to bother you sir, I was on my way to a meeting and my car stalled in this weather. I can’t get her running again…and my cell phone is out of air time.’
‘How is that my problem?’ retorted Sarahs father.
‘Well sir, I was wondering if I could use a phone to let them know I was not going to make it, and get my mate to help me. Would you mind? I don’t have to come in; I could just use your cell phone?’
‘Come in, come in, just be quick yeah…I got a kid ya know.’
‘Yes I know sir; I heard her crying. Is she ok? Thank you so much sir, I will just attend to my business and then be on my way…’
‘Yeah, yeah, she’s fine. Kids, you know how they are. Come in, come in, it’s cold out. Mary Jane, get the man a whiskey, and see to the girl will ya!’
‘Sorry sir, but I don’t drink, I’m an alcoholic. Actually, that was the meeting I was on my way to.’
‘Alcoholic huh? A cup of coffee for the man Mary Jane! Hurry up, his colour’s off!’
‘Thank you sir, thank you, names Josh…Joshua.’
‘Strong name, Joshua, your father has taste, my name is Fred, and this is…’
‘Hi there Sarah…’
Sarah looked, still trembling, at the stranger in front of her, as she stared, her father pushed past her to the kitchen.
‘Mary Jane, did ya hear me? A coffee -the man’s an alcoholic, poor fellow. I’ll have that whiskey.’
‘What’s an alcoholic, and how do you know my name?’ came a little whisper from Sarahs lips.
Joshua knelt, put his hands on Sarahs cheeks, his eyes gleaming, his voice soft,
‘Oh, I think you know who I am Sarah, I will be here now, even when you can’t see me. You don’t need to know what an alcoholic is Sarah, that’s for someone else to learn.
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Remember to proofread and watch your punctuation Sarah's father should have an apostrophe, you missed an end quote at the end, and if Mom or Father is being used as a name it should be capitalized. You also jumped from scene to scene without a transition (I'm sure this was due to the word restrictions it happens to me a lot)
You created great characters. Joshua is a real spitfire. You also added an element of suspense and the conflict was perfect. The dialog is interesting and believable. I also like the hope that is scattered throughout. You have a great imagination. Keep writing!