The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Shhh. (02/18/10)
“Quiet please, I'm trying to concentrate. This is real hard work balancing in this stance.” Jesse was being sarcastic he was in the Lotus Pose one of the easiest. “So how long have you been working this hard.” “All day long.” Jessie said with a sly grin. “I need to meditate and clear my mind of all evil thoughts. And fill it up with worthless thoughts of a meaningless vacation in the Bahamas. Doing nothing and then writing about it for money.”

I've been Jesse's little sister since I was five years old. I'm Sherry and I'm adopted.

“Quiet please, you're breathing too loud.” “How on earth can I make that much noise inhaling and exhaling?” “Well any way I wanted to talk about something.” “Quiet please your breaking up my meditation.” Ok, I gave up and started into a belly laugh. “What are you meditating on?” “Umm something important.” “Like?” “Like how I'm going too get you to stop being so serious. Sherry you really should lighten up.” “This is important Jesse you need to wake up from your nap and listen a minute.” Shh, did you hear that its the sound of my stomach growling.” “Jesse will you stop joking around and hear me out.”

“I want to find my birth mother but I'm not sure if she will want to find me. I have a bad feeling about finding her, but I can't shake the motivation to search for her.”

“Well let me give you some advice little sis. I wouldn't follow up on that urge. You already have a family that loves you and you have a bad feeling that you shouldn't ignore.” “Jess I don't know how to say this. I want to tell mom about it but it would hurt her feelings. I need to find her.”

No, what you need is some rest. When is the last night that you slept eight hours straight through. Sleep deprivation will do some strange things to your train of thought. Ok I'll consider seriously taking a nap in the middle of my next bible study. I couldn't help it but I burst out into tears. Jess got up and gave me a shoulder to cry on.

“This is really bothering you huh.” “Yep, it is Jess.” “Ok so Sherry this is what we will do. Pray.” “Pray what?” “Just meditate and pray for the next few minutes.” “Ok Jess, I'll go for that. But like I said Pray what?”

“Ok, you want me to start.” “Yep. I sure do cause I'm at a loss for words right now.” “Quiet please your sniffuling to loud.” He was just trying to make me smile. I knew the kind of person Jesse was. Joking most of the time but a serious person when you got to know him. I was about to say something and Jess interrupted me. “Shh, your breaking my concentration. Ok we'll pray like this. Father God send Sherry's mother to her and get this grief off her mind in Jesus name. Amen.” “That's it. That's all you're going to pray Jess.”

“Shh. P.S. Lord. Umm, And send her back with a new family if she wants one.” “I started to say amen brother but I bet you already know what he said.” “Shh' I'm not finished your mighty noisy today. I think my you and my stomach are conspiring to mess up my peaceful day of meditating on God.” Jess said everything with a smile. He rambled on for the next five minutes and then let me say Amen.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 1071 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Lisha Hunnicutt
02/27/10
This piece was very hard to follow. You should hit enter and indent each time a new character is speaking.
AnneRene' Capp
02/27/10
I finished your story being touched about the relationship between a brother and sister, along with the desire to know who one's birth mother is, so if I am on track with your intent, good job.

Did you mean to say that "he" started to go into a belly laugh, or "I"?

Outside of that, yes a little bit hard to follow, but only a little bit :)
Marilyn Schnepp 
02/28/10
Cute story, however, needs lots of punctuation editing to make it really readable. Breaking up the paragraphs into "Who said What?", plus many comma's needed. But the story itself was deligtful and entertaining...just do a little more practice on those punctuation problems. Loved the whole idea you had in your story; fit the topic and Jess and Sherry were a lovable pair. Fun read! Keep writing, and God Bless.
Philippa Geaney 
02/28/10
There is a really good story in there. I'm pretty sure there was. It was not easy to decipher who was speaking. I regularly do the same thing - thinking others will immediately understand where I am coming from. But of course they can not.
Mildred Sheldon
03/01/10
I enjoyed this story once I got the hang of it. Keep writing and take advice from people who have been in Faithwriters and are in the advance groups.
R Quist
03/01/10
The relationship between brother and sister is excellent, very good story line and setting the scene, and the story did well at drawing me in and keeping my interest.

I too had trouble following it at first, due to punctuation problems; but once I recognized the problems could then follow OK. Most important punctuation improvement that would help a LOT -- whenever you change speakers, start a new paragraph, no matter how short that makes each paragraph.
c clemons
03/01/10
I think by now you get the drift, the previous commenters have said it all. There was a good story in there, so keep practicing, it does help. :)
Jan Ackerson
03/03/10
I enjoyed these two characters!

For help with punctuation of dialog, feel free to visit the forums (there's a link at the top of this page) and look for "Jan's Writing Basics". Hopefully you'll enjoy the low-key "classes" there.

You've got a unique voice--a little bit of nurturing and you'll be fine.