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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Hide and Seek (08/07/08)
"Okay, I've got one." Jen giggled, convinced her sister could never get this one, it was good, her best one yet. "I see lots of green and um, I hear blue. I feel something hard and uh, grooved under me."

Smiling, Carly closed her eyes imagining where her big sister might be. 'Imaginary Hide and Seek' they called it. One would describe somewhere they had been before, and the other would try to guess. "How can you hear blue?" she questioned. "Oh wait! I know, you're at the lake! That one Mom and Dad used to take us to all the time. You're in the big tree right?"

Jen snapped her fingers swinging her arm. "Oh man, I thought you would never get that one. You're good."

"Hey Jenny," Carly asked with a furrowed brow, "why don't we ever go there anymore?"

Jen's eyes darted down as she played with her fingernails. "You know..."

"Duh! If I knew I wouldn't be asking would I?"

She sighed, "Well, that's where the accident was. Mom and Dad felt it was..it was too hard to go back. They said they can't drive down that road without thinking about it." Jenny wanted to change the subject. She hated talking about that day. "Okay its your turn now, pick a spot."

Carly crossed her arms, when were people going to get over it already, its been 3 years. "We need to go back to the lake."

"Carly, that's...that's not gonna happen. We can find a new spot."

"I won't know what it looks like though, I'm blind remember?” she said sarcastically. We need to go back to THAT lake."

Jen felt a rebellious tear threatening the corner of her eye. “Carly, I don't really want to talk about this. Its hard for some of us to go there." She felt anxiety inside her chest, it was her fault, she had been arguing with Carly that morning. She winced as she thought back...

Jen was in a bad mood that morning she didn't want to leave the lake, 'just one more day' she argued with her mom. As they drove, Carly wanted her to look at pictures she drew of the lake. Jen ignored her, arms folded staring out the side window. Carly was insistent and finally Jen snatched the pictures out of her hand and crumpled them up telling her that she didn't want to see any of her stupid pictures right now. Carly threw her hands over her eyes, sobbing. Dad yelled twisting his head around to see what happened not seeing the car coming around the corner until he heard the horn honking and tires screeching. Mom screamed. Dad hit the brakes and yanked the wheel. Impact was on Carly's side. They had hoped the blindness would be temporary, but at the time that was the least of their concerns. They were just happy they were all alive.

Jen told Carly how it was her fault, the guilt she had, how Mom and Dad hadn't been the same since that day.

Carly sat for a minute, wondering how she hadn't known all of this. "That's ridiculous! I don't blame you, or Dad, I never have." She looked at her sister who was now staring at her in disbelief. "Things happen. You know? Like, how all the things that happen work to the good of those that love God right? So that means He has a plan. I could have died. Any of us could have. And wouldn't that be worse that living without sight?"

Jen was stunned, her sister was so much stronger and wiser than her and was 4 years younger. "Carly, I...does Dad know how you feel? He feels guilty too, I hear them arguing about it sometimes. And now that I think about it, you sound a lot like Mom, Car. She tells him the same thing."

"I need to talk to them." Carly snickered at her thought. "It's like our game. You have all been hiding in your guilt for so long that you didn't realize the truth was right in front of you. You need to stop blaming yourself and see the good that came from it."

"And what good would that be?"

"Well...you for one. You hang out with me more now."

Jen laughed through her tears, "Are you sure YOU aren't the big sister O' Wise One?"

Carly laughed, "Come on, lets talk to Mom and Dad."
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This article has been read 1193 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Patrick Whalen
08/14/08
I love it! Very little editing is needed for mechanics, but otherwise, a heart-warming and brilliant tale from start to finish!
Esther Phillips
08/14/08
Great writing. It caught my attention and held it. Noticed one minor thing. You've said "than her" and it should be "than she". It can be remembered by adding "is" afterwards in your mind. It is--than she is...not than her is. Otherwise, you did an excellent job of writing on this topic.
Beckie Stewart
08/14/08
This was really good. I enjoyed readiing it from start to finish. Carly is an amazing kid....who truly does SEE!
Anita van der Elst
08/15/08
I agree that attention to mechanics will make this story an easier read. Also I thought for a second, she'd gotten her sight back when I read this part: "She looked at her sister who was now staring at her in disbelief." Maybe say "she turned her face toward her sister." But still a good story!
Michelle Earl
08/17/08
Oh, PLEASE write more! What happens next? Do they go down to the lake? You really grabbed my attention in this article, and I want to read more!
Marlene Austin
08/17/08
Agree with your character, Jen, that Carly has an "unusual" view of her blindness. Certainly not common. I would need to see some of the emotional growth to really "know" the character and find out how she got to this point. :)
Carole Robishaw 
08/18/08
Good job, even on my second read :)

Keep it up.
william price
08/18/08
Great reader involvment; kept my interest through out. Good work. God bless.
Joy Faire Stewart
08/18/08
Great interaction between the sisters and very special message.
Kristen Hester
08/18/08
Very nice story! I liked the version of hide and seek the girls were playing and how it led to the story. Great fashback of the accident.

I thought the resolution came a little quickly, but what can you do with only 750 words, right? LOL. You talked in one of the posts about writing "real world". You could consider SOMETIMES not completely resloving the entire problem. Maybe the characters START the healing, but not complete it. I'm going to quit now, because that's just my random thoughts and one person's opinions. I also love to see a story with a happy ending...like this one. It made me smile.
Ellen Dodson
08/18/08
Great title and twist on the topic! Your theme is so important. It's a good one to read when we blame others for our suffering or when we assume others blame us. You show here that communication is the key and that God works good from bad. I think you should end with the laughter over Carley's joke about spending more time. It's good comic relief.
Tawnya Brown
08/18/08
I like your imagination. I could see myself in the room watching them talk. There is a very good lesson in this story. I also like the creativeness of your version of hide and seek. Very well written.
gayle jackson
08/19/08
I am listening to God and reading. While well written, it was a familiar story, with not much punch or excitement or learning, which seems to be what you all like and think is good. I'm sorry but with 96 reads and a slew of comments I didn't read all of, one straight up comment won't hurt the author, Basically good but slightly boring.
Joshua Janoski
08/19/08
What a jewel Carly is! This story deeply touched me. It is a great story of forgiveness and love. I also thought that the "imaginary hide and seek" game was a great twist on the topic. Great job with this one! :)
gayle jackson
08/19/08
This article is great and I am sorry for my not so great comments. Please forgive
Judith Gayle Smith-Owens Vitouswykegardinerclark
08/20/08
I wish I could be the judges for this one - it is a most definite winner. It grabs the heart and wrings it dry of self pity. Sometimes not seeing is believing, yes? Thank you for moving this old gal's tired heart...
Pamela Kliewer 
08/20/08
I love your take on hide and seek! What a creative fun story, with a great message of forgiveness.
Catrina Bradley
08/23/08
The dialog is great, and the characters too. I love the story and the layers of Hide & Seek. Wonderful! (and not boring.;) )