The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/07/07
I really enjoyed this story! Great dialogue, descriptions, and characterization--the boys and their mom came alive for me, and I could just see everything happening and feel with the narrator!

Spaces placed between paragraphs would make this easier to read. Also, there are quite a few typos and punctuation errors.

Good spiritual message at the end--that would make this piece a great devotional. Good job!
This is a very touching story. I wish my children would cry when their siblings were being punished!
Yes, it is rare find a child upset to see a sibling punished. Most children LOVE to see someone else getting into trouble. I enjoyed reading this story.
06/08/07
Thanks so much for your affirming feedback on my story!

Here are the specific corrections:
Paragraph 5: In"my brother and I" the "I" should be "me."

P. 8: "to little" should be "too little."

P.9: ...bedspread." my mother asked? should be ...bedspread?" my mother asked. Also, "completed ruined" should be "completely ruined."

My apologies for saying there were "many" typos...those are all I could find! And the punctuation error in paragraph 9 is the only one in the whole story.

I really do love this story, by the way. I especially enjoy your description of the bumpy white bedspread with the bumps sliced off and smeared with shoe polish. I can just see it!

Thanks again for your feedback. Julie
06/12/07
Very sweet--and a wonderful lesson in sacrificial love. You asked for feedback on content, and I'd say that this is top-notch in that department. Quite moving, as a matter of fact.
06/12/07
I love the way you used this heart-touching story to show us His love!
06/12/07
Excellent content - this is a great parallel for us all, not just for children!
09/27/07
I came across this today and have to tell you how much I enjoyed it. I can picture the whole scenario! It reminds me of something similar I pulled when hanging out in my mother's bedroom. Wonderful imagery and touching story.