Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Write something suitable for CHILDREN (05/31/07)
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TITLE: My Brother's Tears | Previous Challenge Entry
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06/06/07 -
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Once I decided to polish my shoes with my father’s black shoe polish. Even though I tried to be very careful I got a little bit on the white bedspread. I knew my mother would be very angry with me, because I wasn’t supposed to be in her room at all. I went to the bathroom and put some water on a bath towel and tried to wash the black shoe polish off the bedspread. It only made it worse.
When I looked more closely I could see that almost all the black shoe polish was on the little bumps. I took a pair of scissors and cut all the bumps off that I could. It made the bedspread look a lot less stained.
When my mother came home she took one look at her white bedspread with a broken pattern of little cotton bumps with the smooth fabric underneath smeared with the remains of the black shoe polish.
“Who ruined my bedspread?” she called out to my brothers and I.
“Not me!” I lied.
“I didn’t!"; I didn't!” said my two older brothers, one after the other.
My mother quickly decided that it couldn’t have been me because I was to little. She was so made at my two brothers, who looked guilty because they were always getting into trouble for one thing or another anyway.
“Which one of you ruined my bedspread,” my mother asked? The look on her face showed that she was deciding which form of torture would work best to make these criminals confess. “It’s completed ruined! And the black paint…”
“It’s show polish,” I corrected her before I could stop myself.
“Garry!” she gasped. “It was you!” She was so mad she took me across her knee and was getting ready to spank me but she looked over at my older brother who was starting to cry. Seeing me about to get a spanking made him cry.
My mother was so touched she pulled us all together and hugged us and cried.
I never understood my brother’s love until years later when I became a Christian and understood how Jesus was so sad about all the pain and suffering our sins had caused that he volunteered to take the punishment for us. Jesus is not just our friend; he is our brother.
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Spaces placed between paragraphs would make this easier to read. Also, there are quite a few typos and punctuation errors.
Good spiritual message at the end--that would make this piece a great devotional. Good job!
Here are the specific corrections:
Paragraph 5: In"my brother and I" the "I" should be "me."
P. 8: "to little" should be "too little."
P.9: ...bedspread." my mother asked? should be ...bedspread?" my mother asked. Also, "completed ruined" should be "completely ruined."
My apologies for saying there were "many" typos...those are all I could find! And the punctuation error in paragraph 9 is the only one in the whole story.
I really do love this story, by the way. I especially enjoy your description of the bumpy white bedspread with the bumps sliced off and smeared with shoe polish. I can just see it!
Thanks again for your feedback. Julie