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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CROWD (07/06/17)
What Next?

The evening had started out so perfectly with friends all around the table, delicious seafood, roasted vegetables, fresh baked breads and chocolate. How could anything go wrong with chocolate on the menu? The entertainer had been really good too; no dirty jokes, just amazing card tricks and having people come on stage for surprises like removing their watch without them knowing or picking a pocket unnoticed. It was all good, clean fun.



Then there was the shout of “fire,” along with the smell of smoke, and panic ensued. Sharon tried to move toward the door with Judy, Carol and Deb, but she was pushed and shoved until she lost sight of the other girls and the door. A man in a dark red sweater bumped into her, almost knocking her down, but his face was twisted into a grimace as he was also pushed from behind.



“I don’t have room to even pick up my feet,” she thought as a man about her age caught the back of her shoe with his own shoe and nearly fell at her feet. He looked up at her as if to apologize, but put out his arms instead to keep from falling face down on the floor and being trampled. She realized that her shoe had come off and would be lost in all of the shuffling, sliding, moving feet.



At that moment a tall, thin lady wearing a dress with red, orange and yellow flowers and red heels to match suddenly lost her balance and put her heel on the top of Sharon’s foot. The lady stumbled but caught herself on the shoulder of a woman in front of her and was able to keep moving. Now Sharon had to try to protect her shoe-less foot. In fact, without looking down, she knew her foot was bleeding as it felt wet and sticky.



“If I can just keep moving, we will surely come to a door,” she told herself. Suddenly there was an overturned chair right in her path with a young man toppled over it. She tried to avoid the pile up but found herself lunging over the top of him. He groaned as she landed on him. “I am so sorry” was all she could muster as a woman then fell over her. The breath was knocked out of her lungs, and she whispered a breathless prayer, “Oh, God, is this how I will die, being trampled to death? Please help me. Please help all of us.”



As she turned her head to the right, she saw that there was a table next to her. A youthful boy was climbing over the top of it and leaping onto the next table. Others saw what he was doing and tried to follow the agile boy, but many missed the mark and fell to the floor.



Someone took hold of Sharon’s outstretched hand, and she heard a husky, male voice say, “Can you get under this table? I will try to help all three of you.” The lady on top of Sharon immediately rolled to her side and slid off of the pile. She frantically crawled under the table. Now it was Sharon’s turn, but before she could roll off of the young man, another person fell over her and fell off to the left side. He yelled out as he was tripped over and fallen on. Sharon quickly rolled off of the young man and hurried under the table. Then she pulled at the young man’s arm and, not-so-gently, tugged him off of the chair and pulled him under the table.



The young man turned his bloody face to Sharon and whispered, “Thank you. I thought I would die.” His face was bleeding from a gash on his forehead.



“Lord, thank you for getting us under this table, and please deliver all of us from injury, death, the fire and everything else that is going wrong in this place.”



Within minutes, Sharon heard sirens and loud voices shouting, “Stop running! Move slowly and orderly so everyone can get out!” She felt the spray of water coming from somewhere. She didn’t know if the fire was that close or if the firemen were using the water to bring some order in the chaos. Whatever the reason, she sensed that God was moving to save all these people, her included.
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This article has been read 404 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jody Day
07/13/17
Wow, action packed and fit the topic well. Just a few comments. Since we have a limited word count, it helps to get right to the point. Your first paragraph could be reduced to just one sentence, and then get right to the fire. That gives you more words to write about what the story is really about. Just my opinion. Great job, keep writing.
Jenny Fulton 
07/13/17
Good job creating an interesting, action-packed story.
JANET JONES
07/14/17
An action packed story for sure. Two things will really help good writing become better. 1) Instead of so many adjectives use powerful nouns and verbs 2) Give us a reason to connect with your MC and the drama will be twice as intense, because your reader will care more about whether she makes it out or not.
C D Swanson 
07/14/17
Pulled me in immediately...and kept me all the way through to the lovely conclusion.
Well done!
Blessings~
C D Swanson 
07/20/17
Congrats!
Blessings~