The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
09/09/16
sweet, sad story - it would have been helpful if you added white space between paragraphs
09/09/16
sweet, sad story - it would have been helpful if you added white space between paragraphs
This is a sweet story. You did a nice job of developing the characters. I felt a
kinship with Happ right away. Although, it might have helped to show his name right from the beginning to help the reader connect with him more. You introduced the conflict in the opener, which drew me in and made me want to read more.

I'd love to see you add a bit more body language to help paint a picture. Also, save exclamation points for dialog and use sparingly. Instead let your excellent word choice do your exclaiming for you.

I think you wrote on topic in a fun and fresh way. It might have gotten a tad "preachy" at the end, but it did seem to fit the character. I sense Happ would have understood the message better than anyone how special he is in God's eyes. I really admired the character and my heart ached for his pain.

You did a great job with this charming story. It left me feeling good and eager to read more of your work.
How many others have sent money because of an email they have received. He is not alone.

I didn't appear that Happ was greedy or wanted something that would have been wrong for him to have but maybe a greedy person reading this will take it as a warning for his own self.

Nice writing.
09/12/16
My heart ached for Happ and everyone like him who gets tricked and taken advantage of. Good story. God bless.