Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SKULDUGGERY (09/01/16)
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TITLE: Who is Trustworthy? | Previous Challenge Entry
By LaRue Kendrick
09/07/16 -
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The magazine advertisement read, “So you want to have a good life. This is the way to achieve it. Call this number and realize your dreams.”
He called the number. What he heard made him so excited, he broke into a sweat. It sounded too good to be true! Could this be what he had been looking for? Yes, it had to be. It just had to be. He would scrape together the $100 required to get started in the program. He would do this thing!
It took more than a week of mowing lawns to get that much money. He was also heaving to catch his breath after the exposure to so many allergens, but he would mail in this money. The advertisement said he would receive the information and tools to begin earning his own money in just one week.
One week came and went, then two weeks came and went. He dialed the number again that had been in the advertisement, but instead of the cheery voice telling him to “just send in $100, and you will be on your way to financial independence,” he heard a buzz and then a recording, “The number you have dialed is no longer in service.”
What could that mean, “no longer in service”? He made his way down the hall the to the manager’s office of the special needs home where he lived. He timidly knocked on the door. “Come in,” came his friend’s voice.
“Hi, Stan. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, Happ. What’s on your mind?”
“I saw something in a magazine that I wanted to do. I earned $100 mowing lawns around here and sent in my money. The magazine said I would get the instructions and tools I needed to make my own money in one week. It never has come, and when I called that number again, I was told that number was no longer in service. Why does it say that, Stan?”
“Oh, Happ. That means the people who put that advertisement in the magazine probably took a lot of peoples’ money and never intended to send you or anyone else anything. They just took the money and stopped using the phone number. They cheated honest people like yourself. I am so sorry, Happ.”
“But I believed them. I wanted to earn a living with that stuff.”
“I know you did. You are an honest person. If everyone on this earth was as honest as you are, things like this wouldn’t happen to anyone.”
“I did a dumb thing, didn’t I?”
“Don’t think you are dumb, Happ. You have an honest heart, and God will bless that in your life. Everyone who knows you loves you and trusts you too. That is more important than ever having money. In fact, money cannot buy the respect of others, the love and trust that people give to you. God has made you to be a wonderful person, a very special person, and He won’t ever trick you or fool you as these people did. You just keep trusting in the Lord, and He will provide you with all that you need. He has even promised that if you live to please Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. And that you can depend on.”
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kinship with Happ right away. Although, it might have helped to show his name right from the beginning to help the reader connect with him more. You introduced the conflict in the opener, which drew me in and made me want to read more.
I'd love to see you add a bit more body language to help paint a picture. Also, save exclamation points for dialog and use sparingly. Instead let your excellent word choice do your exclaiming for you.
I think you wrote on topic in a fun and fresh way. It might have gotten a tad "preachy" at the end, but it did seem to fit the character. I sense Happ would have understood the message better than anyone how special he is in God's eyes. I really admired the character and my heart ached for his pain.
You did a great job with this charming story. It left me feeling good and eager to read more of your work.
I didn't appear that Happ was greedy or wanted something that would have been wrong for him to have but maybe a greedy person reading this will take it as a warning for his own self.
Nice writing.