Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SKULDUGGERY (09/01/16)
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TITLE: Where There's Breath There's Hope | Previous Challenge Entry
By Pamela Hill
09/06/16 -
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She’d come here for help, but now she felt even more helpless. Her son was in trouble. She was afraid for him, for his future. She sat quietly as Jacob and Rabbi Shammai continued saying pointless things to each other; about work, money, social standing, politics, everything but what they had come here for.
She’d tried so many times to talk to their son. She told him she was worried about him, but he’d just laugh and tell her; “Mama, you worry too much about silly things.” He would say; “I’m alright Mama” while flashing the smile he knew melted her heart. At first he’d convinced her, she was being silly. But as his shenanigans continued she’d grown more and more concerned.
One day, when he was only ten, he’d come running home and begged her to lie and say he wasn’t there, no matter who came looking for him. Later, when no one came and she’d asked him who he was hiding from, he had laughed that carefree laugh and told her; “No one Mama, it was just a game I was playing.”
Many had come looking for him since that day, it seemed someone was always angry at him. Why couldn’t he be more like his father, well liked and respected by everyone? Why do so many of his friends, and even older men, call him a rat, and why does he always have money? She’d asked him these questions and the answers seemed harmless; “they call me rat because I love cheese” he explained. “I have money because I’m always doing favors for people, you know, helping them out Mama.” When she’d asked what kind of favors he flashed that smile and said; “Oh Mama, you always worry so much. Mostly I just tell them things I know, and it helps them out, so they reward me. I’m a helpful guy Mama, doesn’t that make you happy?”
She’d gone to Jacob with her concerns several times as the years passed. Between work and social concerns that kept him away at meetings and planning sessions, and other things that she’s never understood or cared about, he wasn’t around much. “Our son is showing a lack of character and I’m worried about him” she told him. He too said she was being silly and worrying needlessly, “The boy will grow out of it, he just likes to have fun, it’s harmless.”
She felt like today had been her last chance for someone to hear her. She had begged, for what seemed like forever, for Jacob to meet with a Rabbi for counsel. When she’d finally given up on him accompanying her and asked for his blessing to see Rabbi Shammai alone, she hadn’t expected his response; “Rabbi Shammai? He’s a Chief Priest. Why is he seeing you, he doesn’t do counseling, I will go with you.”
She’d been excited, thinking he was finally taking an interest, but by the time their appointment arrived she realized it was not about their son at all for him. Jacob just wanted an opportunity to have the ear of the Chief Priest for his political agenda.
The meeting had begun with Miriam voicing her concerns and observations. When she’d brought up the nickname “rat” and her concern that their son always had money, she suddenly had the Rabbi’s attention. He seemed quite interested in these two facts but not at all with her concerns over her son’s standing before God. ”I’ll have a talk with the boy” was his only response.
That’s when the endless man chatter had begun, and now Miriam was feeling completely alone.
As they rose to leave she was washed over with hopelessness even though Rabbi Shammai tried to reassure her; “Don’t worry Mrs. Iscariot, I will meet with Judas and get to the bottom of this.”
After several meetings to tell everyone of his very important appointment with Rabbi Shammai, Jacob arrived home to find her rocking contentedly and clutching something to her heart.
Somewhat surprised he gently asked her; “What is it Miriam?”
“It’s from Judas. He says he’s been chosen to follow the Good Teacher we’ve been hearing so much about. He says he’ll be keeping their money safe.”
“You see Miriam, there really was no need to worry!”
Miriam continued rocking, and for the first time since he was very young, she was filled with hope for her son.
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I like how you used the son's dialog to show what was on his mind. I'd urge you to go even farther and include the other characters' dialog too. Add some body language too and you'll have an even better story.
I wrote a few stories about Judah before too. This reminded me a bit of one I called A Mother's Son. Some people seem uncomfortable to think about Judah and what might have prompted him to do what He did, but I often imagine what must've been going through his head and his mother's. I think this is fresh, spot on topic, and interesting.
Well done by not reveling the main character until the very end.