The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: FINISH (05/26/16)
Achmed Rogers realized that his date with Jalil Barnes for the new millennial celebration was only in a few hours. Like most of the refugees from the UME Sneaker, they took the names of the officers and crew as new last names, out of respect, while keeping their first names. Achmed, being the oldest, took the captain's name. Jalil, as his best friend, took the first officer's name. When he heard the summoning chime, he suspected he would be late for his date.


Being a diligent officer, Achmed strode into the Admiral's office, as he had recognized the chime’s tone as hers. Admiral Prince waved him to a seat and asked an obvious question: "Are you ready for a space mission?"


Ready, he thought? He'd spent his entire life after being sent from Sharia getting ready.


Admiral Prince hit him with another surprise. She placed a fingernail on a comm chip in a computer slot on her desk. He heard a voice he hadn't heard in over a quarter century. Captain Steve Rogers, late of the UME Sneaker.


In her cultured voice the admiral said, "We just got this from an intercept about two dozen light years from your original home planet."


The comm unit kept going, "The crew from the Sneaker was lost in a series of mock trials over the last year. We, the officers, managed to escape captivity and put this primitive radio unit together. We are hiding in New Medina with the families we had provided for. Don't know how much longer we can stay hidden. If any ship gets this message let our families know we died for Jesus, and no rescues ought to be attempted."


She continued after the message stopped, "We aren’t going to accept Captain Rodgers fatalism. As you know, he rescued you and your friends, and Earth has no intention of giving up on his heroism and sacrifice."


She handed him a sheet of old fashioned paper. Those kind of orders were for highly sensitive missions. It said that as of zero hundred hours Achmed Rogers was being given a field commission to captain, and command of the UESDF ship Archer. He was to take the ship to Sharia and search for any traces of the old Sneaker's crew, and bring them home
.

Achmed saluted the admiral as he exited. Admiral Prince had a third surprise awaiting him when he arrived for his new command. Better than ninety percent of the Sharian refugees had gone into the service as he had. They had all been pulling earthside duties, until the admiral assigned them to his command. Jalil Barnes was assigned as First Officer and Helmsperson. So Achmed ordered his date turned second in command to plot a course to Sharia.


The ship and its crew performed well for its young captain. The new hyperlight drive took them to hyperlight drive 24, reducing the time to Sharia down from two days to 16 hours. Achmed ordered the Archer’s invisibility field raised an hour out of Sharia. This time when the ship landed on the Islamic planet it remained invisible, and the officers and crew, being natives, were not suspected of being offworlders.
The Sneaker’s two dozen officers had stayed in New Medina, making them easy to find and rescue, despite protests from the elder Captain Rogers, to the point that Achmed considered reverting to his original name, Abdullah.

In short order, the Archer was ready to return to Earth.


Achmed's ‘mission accomplished’ message was overheard, unfortunately, by the planet’s commnet, which responded, “Infidels from Earth, return our prisoners at once, or we will shoot.”


Pallid and staggering, Dr. Banner entered the bridge with a medical report on those who had rescued the Sneaker’s officers. “Anyone who left the ship has contracted a fatal virus.”


Achmed, feeling his heart racing and head spinning, wheezed, “Captain Rogers, you have the conn. Take care of my…”


The older gentleman finished his sentence, “Ship and crew? Aye, sir!”

Captain Steve Rogers addressed the young woman at the helm. "Plot a course to Earth, best speed. Time for introductions later."


Jalil did so, evading Sharia's fire. Once clear, she swiveled to face her new captain. "First Officer Barnes, sir, at your command."

"Thank you, Commander Barnes. You do me great honor."

Captain Rogers gazed out at the stars. "I never expected to see them again from space. Thank you!"


"I'd never have seen them at all, were it not for you. If I’d stayed on Sharia"
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 574 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Pat Small
06/03/16
Not my genre so I don't even know how to comment. It seemed as though you were able to keep up suspense and interest. I read it all.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
06/07/16
This has a lot of potential. I think the word count limited you. This would be a great foundation for a wonderful sci-fi novel.

The other thing I might offer is to work more on showing than telling. Add dialog (right of the bat), body language and internal dialog to help bring this piece to life. Unfortunately, that often takes more words though. Here is a quick example to show you what I mean: Glancing at the dial on the wall, Achmed Roger's felt his heart pound as he realized that his date with Jalil Barnes for the new millennial celebration was only in a few hours. I can't believe all that has happened since we first met.

I enjoyed the conflict and found it quite intriguing. You did a nice job of delivering your message and the twist at the end was unexpected and added to the story.