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Topic: MAIL (02/18/16)
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TITLE: Mare Cognitum | Previous Challenge Entry
By Don Buschert
02/20/16 -
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"Hey Frawl, what's takin' so long," barked Stash through the radio. He heard her swaggering cackle. Stash was always one step ahead of him.
Mouthing out mute curses to himself, and fully aware his mic was not on a private channel; Frawley tried to release his pent-up frustration. What he really wanted - was to pick up one of these grey moon rocks lying around and lob it high into the black lunar sky. He breathed. He'll get it right. Glancing at his air gauge, he still had more than ninety minutes of air and his RAD count was still in the green. He can do this.
"I'll finish it up; it will only take a few minutes."
"We'll I'm getting in the cab, so don't keep me waiting," said Stash with another laugh as she bounced off to their cab, a small two-person rover.
Frawley quickly removed the ceramic fasteners off the panel he just prematurely closed moments before. The carbon-reinforced ceramic panel popped out slowly in the low gravity. Frawley caught it, laid it to the side; never, never down in the dusty regolith. Moon dust stuck to everything, especially electronics. He adjusted the previously overlooked steam valves until all indicator lights were green. Minutes passed. Done. He closed up the panel on the well's controller.
"Okay, done; coming back; don't you dare lock me out," Frawley said as he clipped the tool back in his workbelt and hopped towards the cab.
They were performing routine inspections on well A7; it yielded twenty-two hundred litres this week. Liquid gold. Mare Cognitum had three productive wells; momentum was growing. Water was the Moon's lifeblood; without it there is no human settlement. Lunar water was electrolysed into air to breathe and fuel for rockets. And for drinking too.
Out here on the dangerous surface of the moon, mistakes are lethal. And yet he never got tired of looking up at the Earth in the wide black sky. Like a blue and white jewel, six times greater than the moon appears on Earth, it was his only connection with home.
He joined COMMAT for the money and the adventure. COMMAT was the first multi-nat to venture off to the moon. And they were beating the Americans and Chinese at their own game; both space agencies bogged down in bureaucratic quagmires. Not COMMAT. They took risks, improvised and innovated their merry way along. And now there were forty living here, all happily surviving under the mooncrete dome at Mare Cognitum, safe from the deadly blasts of solar and cosmic radiation.
Yet he was lonely. So far from home.
Sure, he had the adoration of thousands of paid subscribers watching him 24/7 on the feeds. But he didn't know them. He didn't bother answering their messages, queries or solicitations. Too many. Too much!
When each day’s work was done, Frawley headed to The Cave, the only drinking hole around. He'd knock back a few with the guys, then retire to his quarters.
Then the loneliness would begin.
He was lucky, there were better qualified people back on Earth who would give anything to be in his boots.
Fact is, deep inside, Frawley was here for the independence; the break from his past. On Earth, it was run, hide and shift blame; with everyone close to him. Women – too complicated. Family – too much drama. Here, on the last frontier, Frawley was his own man.
But a very lonely one.
Frawley was finishing his kitchen duties when Commander Stott found him.
"Frawl, there's something that came on the last shuttle for you," said Stott, tossing an envelope onto a clean table. Stott turned away without another word. Frawley watched it slowly glide down in the lunar gravity. He never got tired of watching things fall like they did on the moon.
He picked it up. It was an old-fashioned stamped letter. He'd never received one. Ever. Nobody corresponded like this. Who even used paper these days?
It was handwritten, addressed to him, and the sender's address sent quivers up his spine. It was from his father. Looking around, seeing he was alone, Frawley tore open the envelope with his finger. Inside was a simple note that read, “Ray, I’m proud of you and I love you – Dad”.
Tears floated down onto the crisp paper leaving wet stains.
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It's not perfect, but I hope it shows how body language and inner dialog can be used to set the scene and give the back story while still building the suspense.
Also, be careful about being consistent with your tenses. I noticed you slipped into present and back again.
Overall, you did a nice job. It was a little weak on the topic, but you did pull it in at the end and did so nicely. I liked your MC and felt like I really connected with him. You did a great job of presenting a couple of conflicts and resolving them nicely. I enjoyed the story and thought the ending was perfect.