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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: INDEFATIGABLE (02/11/16)
Seeking A Night Together


Bret Jennings was a mid year transfer to Van Buren High School. He was a senior who ended up leaving the big city of Minneapolis, Minnesota after his father was laid off from his job. Starting over especially in a small town like Strawbridge which was twenty-five miles south of the Canadian border was rough. Most of his life he was able to pick up where he left off. He secured a spot on the basketball team as he sent the school a video of his playing prowess. However, he ended up having to leave behind his steady girlfriend as he had to make the trek across state.



The smaller town of Strawbridge was not as inviting as Bret's family found a church home at Strawbridge Evangelical Lutheran Church, but being newcomers just was going to take time for the family to get settled into life. Bret's younger sister Chloe was feeling the strain too, but little by little she came along. However, Bret took one look upon the most popular girl in school Lyss Santini, and he was hooked. Her blonde hair in curls, and blue eyes no wonder every boy sought her out for a date. However, the first conversation he had with her was anything but smooth. While she carried beauty grace she didn't have. She was about as cold towards Bret as a seventy five degree below wind chill.


Bret attempted to strike up a conversation with Lyss as much as possible, but she was curt and to the point. He refused to give up though. On Valentine's Day he boldly walked up to her, and handed her a single red rose, and asked her out to the Valentine's Day dance. She said she'd think about going out with him if their school went to the state championship. This was enough inspiration to make Bret work hard, and lead the team to the State Championship where they won. Lyss watched the whole game, and conceded that Bret was serious. She walked up to him, and gave him a piece of paper with her address saying come tomorrow night.


Bret showed up the next evening with butterflies in his stomach. This time he had a full boquet of roses for her. He was dressed in his church pants, and white dress shirt. Lyss came to the door wearing a white turtleneck with jeans. She smiled, and beckoned him to come in. She lead him through the living room, and down the hall. Bret wondered where her parents were. She said they were out for the evening. She led him into a dark room. He entered, and saw the full moon through the window. Bret asked where they were, and Lyss said her bedroom as she took off her turtleneck.


Bret was confused seeing Lyss as she began to unbutton her jeans. He asked Lyss what she was doing, and she simply replied "You held up your end of the bargain I have to hold up mine." Bret got the point, but he pleaded with Lyss to put her clothes back on, and he said "No that's not what I wanted from you, or wanted us to do tonight." Lyss felt flushed, and suddenly she began crying. Through her sobs she told a story of how her older sister was disgraced because she was raped by the school's point guard, and got pregnant because he wanted his reward for winning the state championship last year. Her sister ended up aborting the baby, and running away from home.


Bret explained that he only wanted to go out with her because she was beautiful, and hoped they would fall in love. He further went onto explain that his relationship with Jesus Christ meant more to him than anyone, and he didn't want to bring shame upon Him by taking advantage of anyone. Lyss began crying again as she felt God let her down. Looking at her tears and her brokenness Bret was more in love with her than when he first laid eyes on her. He suggested instead of a dinner going to just get a coffee. Lyss slowly began to smile, and they walked out to his car, and went to the diner. The evening was wonderful, and Lyss kissed Bret goodnight thanking him, and letting him know she was interested in Jesus again, and in him.
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This article has been read 594 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
AnnMarie Givans
02/19/16
I liked the story. Bret was truly a man of God, and through his kindness, he won back a soul.
In the second paragraph the statement "while she carried beauty grace she didn't have.
I felt it was incomplete. I think it should read "beauty and grace,"

God bless.
Bonnie Bowden 
02/19/16
I am glad the MC was an honorable young man. He may have made a friend for life.

You might want to rewrite the 2nd paragraph; I found it confusing in parts.
Nicki Jeffery
02/23/16
I enjoyed your story. My red ink: try to show rather than tell. The judges/ratings reports can give you links/lessons on how to do this (I know from my last ratings report :P)
Philippa Geaney
02/24/16
Amazing story line. When you get the 'show rather than tell' there will be no holding you. Practice, practice practice- I'm to take my own medicine :)