Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: TOURIST TRAP (08/20/15)
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TITLE: Namaste | Previous Challenge Entry
By LeslieJean Anderson
08/27/15 -
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Before that I was a yoga teacher. I loved everything yoga. I loved placing my hands in prayer position over my heart and bowing as I said “Namaste” to people. It seemed like such a civilized way to greet folks, of showing respect instead of judging and rejecting people. Dissatisfied with the flaws I saw in the church of my youth, I was searching for a gentler, kinder way to connect and worship.
One day I received an invitation from a renowned guru to attend a retreat in the mountains of Nepal. Everything about it sounded wonderful! I had to borrow a huge amount of money, but I could not turn down the opportunity. It was my dream! After an exhausting trip, we finally arrived late at night. Fighting sleep, I leaned out the window of my tiny room and happily breathed in the cold mountain air. A wonderful adventure awaited me!
The next day we had some free time. I couldn’t wait to explore the city. But after ten short minutes on the streets, I felt a wave of panic. I hadn’t expected to see so much poverty and degradation. What kind of a place was this? Children ran around cold and dirty while cows and monkeys wandered unattended, adding to the filth. I felt nauseous. I ran back to the retreat center in confusion and disappointment.
A few days later, we were awakened before dawn and driven up a winding mountain road. After hours of trudging single file over a narrow trail, we finally reached a primitive camp with warm beverages and food in a large tent. But even though I was tired and hungry, the view captivated me. I stood in the doorway with hot tea, awe-struck at the sight of glittering pearl-white mountain peaks piercing the sapphire-blue sky like church spires.
Suddenly I had a sensation in my heart that I had not felt since childhood – reverence for the majesty of God. I had not thought about Him for years, but a simple prayer suddenly slipped through my lips, “God please help me to remember forever the magnificence of this, Your awesome Creation.”
Just then I heard a strange roar and a sharp wind hit the tent, almost blowing it over. I stepped outside and saw what looked like a cloud moving towards us. But then it hit the bus and swallowed it whole. Avalanche! I dropped my mug and ran back inside just as the tent was hit with tons of snow, ice and debris. It collapsed on me and everything went black.
But not for long. Soon I saw a light coming towards me. “Good,” I thought to myself. ”I can see something, so I must not be dead.”
But I was dead. I realized that when I felt myself begin to move towards the pulsating light. Suddenly I recognized a figure in the light – it was my mother, who had died several years before. Radiant and young like in our old photos, she smiled and stretched out her arms, palms towards me.
“Darling, go no further. It is not your time yet. But God has heard your prayer. His Love is with you always. And so is mine.”
“I love you, Mom,” I whispered. Then she faded away, but the light got brighter and another figure appeared - a larger figure. I knew at once it was Jesus. His gentle gaze engulfed me with waves of compassion. Incapable of speech or movement I watched Him approach. Then, without a word, He kissed me on the forehead. Instantly bolts of energy like electricity surged through me and I heard myself screaming as I thrashed around under the collapsed tent. I heard voices and sounds of digging and ripping. As soon as the cold fresh air touched my face, I gulped it in. Then I passed out.
They say I was evacuated off the mountain and flown to a New Delhi hospital where I lay in a coma for ten days. But I remember nothing. Later, during my year of recovery at home, I corresponded with a hospital nurse, trying to piece together what had happened in the hospital. She wrote that I would try to kiss the hands of every person who cared for me. She also said that I would quote scripture when I was in pain and that over and over I would mumble “I love you” and “Thank you, Jesus” and sometimes “Namaste.”
Title: Namaste (750 WORDS OF TEXT)(Note: This is an original work of fiction.)
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Like most writers, I think you need to find the balance between telling and showing. It's a hard thing to do. I felt like you could have told me this story over the phone, but I want to feel like I'm right there with you. Use more dialog, thoughts (but put thoughts in italics), and body language. I noticed you used exclamation points several times. Let your words do your exclaiming, save the exclamation points for dialog and even then use it maybe once in a story this size. For example instead of telling "everything about it seemed wonderful!" show what that looks like: My hands trembled as I tried to open the invitation without tearing the pristine envelope. I held my breath as I read the calligraphic writing. The swirls and curlicues seemed to hypnotize me, and I had to grab the table to steady myself. You're invited to a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
I did my example fast, but I hope I showed you what I meant by showing instead of telling. I think you have a subtle sense of humor, which is a great gift indeed. This is one of those stories where I could get a different message each time I read it. That takes talent. You have a gift, and I'd encourage you to keep writing, but also keep reading. Read all the stories on your level and then read some in level four. Make comments about what does or doesn't work for you. If you find long descriptions of a dress boring, then adjust your writing likewise (This is an example of my tastes and how I learned to tweak my writing). I look forward to reading more of your work. Your take on the topic was spot on and interesting. Good job.
God bless~
Your story was very interesting. While it did need more "showing", it still compelled me to keep reading.
The book entitled, Bring Your Writing to Life by Amy Michelle Wiley-A Writer's Guide to "Show not tell" gives many excellent examples of the difference between showing and telling. I found the book on Faith writers website.
The writers in the contest have given me encouragement and critiques that have helped me immeasurably in writing better stories, I have developed and grown as a writer because of their thoughtful suggestions.
Your story was an interesting read.