Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: ANGELS WATCHING OVER ME (don’t write about the song) (06/04/15)
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TITLE: The Phone Call | Previous Challenge Entry
By Debbie Sanders
06/10/15 -
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I made the drive as quickly as I could. When I arrived at the hospital he was already in a treatment room. I was not prepared for what I saw when I entered that sterile smelling room, they had given him Morphine for pain, and were working on him. The doctor told me he had 2nd and 3rd degree burns, on his face, throat; ears, and worst of all they feared it had gone down into his lungs. This could most definitely be a very serious situation very quickly. As they explained, that he could develop swelling in the throat or lungs, compromising his airways. I was told they felt it would be necessary to intubate him and transfer him to the nearest burn unit facility. The closest one to us was two hours away, but they were full and couldn’t take him. The next option was about 4 hours away in Memphis. They agreed to come and get him via med flight. We finally thought we were set for transfer, when we received another message that the weather was too bad they couldn’t get the helicopter in the air. However, they did have a solution; they would fly a small airplane in to our rural airport, and then transport him by ambulance to the special medically equipped airplane. And that’s exactly what happened. I followed with one daughter in the car and the other that met me two hours down the road and we drove on to Memphis, not knowing what to expect. We were not prepared for what we encountered there. At two in the morning, we finally arrived; it took us forever to find anyone who knew anything about him. When we got to him, he was still intubated, and couldn’t talk. This all occurred on a Saturday. Within minutes of the accident, we had a prayer chain going that stretched across several states. He recovered so quickly, he walked out of the hospital on Monday. To let you know that he definitely had angels watching over him, today there is not even a scar on his face. He had been totally engulfed in flames, resulting in 2nd and 3rd degree burns all over the facial and neck areas, but not even a scar left to prove it. That is exactly right 2nd and 3rd degree burns on Saturday, and on Monday, he walked out of the hospital burn unit floor and headed home. The protective clothing they are required to wear protected the rest of his body. Everyone was blown away by the fact that he refused to leave his partner until a replacement arrived. What was almost a very devastating disaster, turned out to be a great testimony. We are all so thankful that the angels were watching over him that day.
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It would help the reader if you left an extra line between paragraphs. (I made that same mistake when I first entered the Challenge.)
Keep writing.
I'd urge you to tighten it up some. For example your beginning could be tightened and passive sentences be turned into active ones like this:As Thanksgiving approached, I could feel the excitement. I enjoyed spending time with my family, and I was shopping about an hour away when my phone trilled. My chest pounded with a sense of impending doom.
I tightened it, and then I added some emotions to build the suspense and pull the reader in. I'm not saying one way is better than the other, but sometimes it helps to see it another way to allow you to decide which way works best for you. Also remember to write out numbers at least to ten, and many say to a hundred (third degree, four hours away).
I think you did a nice job with this one. Add some scripture and a prayer and you have the makings of a great devotion. If you haven't submitted a devotion to FW daily devotion yet, I'd encourage you to do so. You have a great gift of sharing how God has reached out to you in your time of need. Your words will touch people in ways you might not ever imagine.