Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: ENVY (jealousy of another’s advantage) (02/12/15)
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TITLE: His Yoke is Easy | Previous Challenge Entry
By Amy Gaudette
02/19/15 -
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Envy strutted his stuff around, pleased as punch that he had caused such misery and told such ludicrous lies. He looked down at his watch and noted it was time for the 7 p.m.ers to be shopping at the local Goods n' Groceries. He chuckled with pleasure at what would come next.
Envy quickly arrived and began coasting up and down the aisles, tapping on shoulders, offering words of jealousy and dissatisfaction, resentment and maliciousness.
Immediately he spied a young woman shopping who was in obvious distress on her cell phone. He grinned, “Ah....I smell trouble!” He chortled cheerfully.
“Yes, of course, I will resubmit the ending chapter soon. What? Tomorrow? Yes, I know, deadlines. I will rewrite the way you told me. Thank you Carol, bye.”
Meghan hung up and drew in a deep breath. Anger filled her heart. Once again, her work was not good enough. It never was. Change this, change that, write more like my sister! Meghan wanted to sob. My child, My yoke is easy. She glanced down and realized she had put items in her cart she did not even eat.
“Meghan!” a familiar voice called to her. “Meghan, what are you doing with that bread in your cart? You know you can't eat that.” Her sister Alexa stood looking at her condescendingly. Alexa looked as though she had just stepped out of a glamor magazine.
Envy rose up inside of her unhindered. Envy weaseled words into the unguarded mind of the young woman.
“And what is this I hear about you struggling with the ending of your book? Don't give it another thought. Carol called me and I told her I would be glad to offer you suggestions and give you a hand.” My beloved one, My burden is light. Just then Alexa's fiancee strolled up. “Hey.” He offered to Meghan. John was the proverbial tall, dark, and handsome. She glanced at the two of them.
She felt small and pathetic. She gave a weak smile and said, “ Excuse me, I am not feeling well, I'm heading for home. “ She left her cart and quickly made her way out. Envy stroked Meghans mind and resentment began to morph into hatred.
Meghan arrived at her apartment, and crashed on the couch. She thought of her younger sister, beauty was something she mastered. Her house was paid off, and she had someone who adored her. My daughter, you are mine.
Envy's dreadful voice was silenced for a moment, I am His. I don't even know what that means. Meghan remembered she needed to check her email for Carol's corrections. Evil hands gripped her spirit. She got up and went to her computer. Junk mail. Delete. Oh, how she wished it were that easy! You don't like something about yourself, delete.
Meghan then saw an email from Hannah.
“Hi Meghan, I am not sure you will remember who I am. I work for Carol at the publishers office. I wanted to send you a quick email thanking you for the book that you are writing. I read part of it, and was so impacted I had to tell you this. I have been carrying a dark secret. I walk in the shadow of depression most of the time....oh I have my good moments, but until I read what you wrote they were few and far between. I struggled terribly with feeling unlovable, untouchable, and isolated. I knew God only as an angry father. You spoke about an unconditional love and the darkness fled. You spoke of peace and the waring stilled. You spoke of this Jesus, whose yoke is easy, and whose burden is light, and I wept until all the weights fell off. You wrote about truth, and the lies were silenced. Thank you, God has given you the gift of words, you are beautiful inside and out. I thank God for you.
Sincerely, Hannah”
Envy through back his head and howled. His grip slipped off, and he was thrown out the door. Meghan bowed her head and wept, tears of release, tears of repentance, tears of acceptance. Her very words came back to minister to her soul. I am loved. I am special. God has created me to be me, and I can't be anyone else, ever. She marveled at how God had used her, despite the condition of her heart. Meghan realized she could not accept herself, until she accepted the gift He had made her to be.
Peace came that night, Holy Peace. His yoke was so much easier, His burden so much lighter. Meghan was free.
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WEll done!
God bless~
We must remember who we are but also remember who the others are. We are all made in God's image if we take the time to look for it.
Interesting situation.
I'd like to offer some constructive remarks. You have a great deal of talent and by tweaking some minor things, it will propel you through the levels. First, I was thrown by the 7 pm ers. It didn't look right to my eyes and interrupted the flow. Perhaps something like: he noticed it was time for the evening shoppers to arrive. The other thing was this: My child, My yoke is easy. (I'm assuming this is the Holy Spirit speaking;if you put his words into italics it will stand out and be clearer who is speaking.)
When you introduce the sister, you may want to use body language to identify the new character and show the reader the MC's emotions. For example, you could do something like this: Hearing the familiar superiority in her sister's voice, she grimaced as her shoulders drooped. Gritting her teeth, she turned, feeling like she was facing a firing squad instead of Alexa.
Overall, though, you did a splendid job. I don't believe there is a single writer who hasn't experienced feeling like a failure when someone critiques her work. I liked how that was part of your story. It helps me to be reminded that I'm not alone. Before I found FW, other writing sites seemed to enjoy ripping apart someone else, but most of the people here genuinely want to help others become the best possible. You definitely nailed the topic. It was sprinkled throughout your entire piece. Demonizing envy was a clever way to show how it can have a life of its own, if we allow it. My favorite part was the subtle way you showed that Jesus is constantly with us, even when we are unaware. That was a touch of genius with the perfect balance. It didn't come off as too preachy, but just right. The ending left me feeling satisfied and comforted. You did a stunning job.
I'd like to offer some constructive remarks. You have a great deal of talent and by tweaking some minor things, it will propel you through the levels. First, I was thrown by the 7 pm ers. It didn't look right to my eyes and interrupted the flow. Perhaps something like: he noticed it was time for the evening shoppers to arrive. The other thing was this: My child, My yoke is easy. (I'm assuming this is the Holy Spirit speaking;if you put his words into italics it will stand out and be clearer who is speaking.)
When you introduce the sister, you may want to use body language to identify the new character and show the reader the MC's emotions. For example, you could do something like this: Hearing the familiar superiority in her sister's voice, she grimaced as her shoulders drooped. Gritting her teeth, she turned, feeling like she was facing a firing squad instead of Alexa.
Overall, though, you did a splendid job. I don't believe there is a single writer who hasn't experienced feeling like a failure when someone critiques her work. I liked how that was part of your story. It helps me to be reminded that I'm not alone. Before I found FW, other writing sites seemed to enjoy ripping apart someone else, but most of the people here genuinely want to help others become the best possible. You definitely nailed the topic. It was sprinkled throughout your entire piece. Demonizing envy was a clever way to show how it can have a life of its own, if we allow it. My favorite part was the subtle way you showed that Jesus is constantly with us, even when we are unaware. That was a touch of genius with the perfect balance. It didn't come off as too preachy, but just right. The ending left me feeling satisfied and comforted. You did a stunning job.