The Confession | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: The Confession | Previous Challenge Entry
By Paul Brown
08/10/14
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Thirteen years have passed us by; ten of those had been spent married in the eyes of God, two years before that Jessica and I had a pagan ceremony.

I didn’t feel right about this jubilation, it was like being stapled to your best friend. I can remember thinking to myself how Jess meant more to me than that so I made arrangements to marry her at Truro Registry Office on the 23rd June 2004.

When it came to having to say our vows she laughed at me and caused rapture amongst the witnesses and the officers performing the marriage. Finally I felt as if we were one with each other, but the depression building up inside of Jess deepened.

Two years into our cemented marriage Jess was to fall pregnant, three months into her pregnancy, she miscarried. In attempt of keeping her spirits high, I would tell her that our child was now with God, the greatest father a child could ever ask for, but that wasn’t enough.

Georgina; that was to be the name we’d give to our unborn child, Jess was certain it would have been a girl and on most days I spoke with her belly, sensing a connection. That was now eight years ago but the strain just got worse, not surprising really!

Months begin to fade and Jess’s health started to get worse. Her heart began leaking quite drastically, the family doctor at that given time informed her that she would need a mitral valve replacement.

At such a time we aboded in Cornwall but after the operation Jess wanted to move away, to be near the learning college where she had spent the last years of her youth and had been happy.

I was quickly to notice that apart from going near the site, she was never to have anything to do with the college and vice-versa, this action began stirring a pain inside me as I was to see with my own eyes that again no-one wanted to know, the both of us were alone, times had changed, people had moved on.

Her anguish again began filling up in me, because of her anxieties and stress family had caused in her life, I felt it was my duty to sense her pain and to forget my own, in doing this, I began forgetting myself and living for her.

My condition of Epilepsy began improving, for the first time in my life; I was of medication and fit-free, thank you Lord. Jess began showing signs of improvement, our regular doctor informed her, he liked the way I was caring for her.

Again something snapped inside her, this time our problems were to get worse, She was to start responding to me negatively and my voice began raising, hoping that she would realise how much I wanted her life to change for the better, but the situation just got worse.

I would ask her to do chores that most wives complete without being asked; but she wouldn’t do it, instead she would just sit there watching me get cross and encourage my anger/stress to show in my actions.

It was in this moment of madness I began clenching my fist, luckily I never got to using it, the last time I used that, it was on my father after nineteen years of taking his beatings. I hit him once, he fell on his ass.

Things between us began getting what I call sluggish, you know, we started cat fighting. It was in these moments I began talking to God/Jesus and asking if we were still husband and wife and asking for a sign.

Nothing; it seemed to me that God was keeping silent in all this. I began asking for a direction knowing that it was he in prayer that he gave me Jess in the first place. Had I destroyed the only good thing, which had ever happened to me?

The signs were definitely there as I made an appointment to confess what was happening between us and that I couldn’t put up with this belittling.

I had informed that I was trying my hardest to be a good husband, but she, in my eyes was making it hard on me.

Jess is now getting help in assisted housing but I’ve been left alone, often I ask God if Jess and I are still husband and wife, but his silence remains. So are we still husband and wife Jess? I await your answer!

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