Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Expert (09/05/13)
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TITLE: Overdue Appointment | Previous Challenge Entry
By Amelia Brown
09/11/13 -
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[Wow that was quick!] I thought as I raise my head to discover all my other classmates have already left.
Grabbing my backpack off the desk I begin to ease myself out of the chair.
To my surprise, I realize that I couldn't move!
There was no glue, there was no tape, but my body refuse to part ways with the seat. Suddenly, as if being fast forward, the classroom door zoom to my face, stopping inches away from my nose. My hair flutter back from the breeze it carries.
Darkness envelope the room.
The door swing open and Mr. Parker, my class teacher, stood glaring at me. Pants-less. The light that enters the room from the open door, reveal the nastiest smirk on his face. Swiftly he strike, lunging at me while he raise a hand to my mouth.
“Nooooooo!”
I was still screaming no when my eyes shot wide open, and I discover that I am fighting with the sheets. I lay tangle in them as the reality of my room brings relief.
“It's just a nightmare,” I repeat several times; my night shirt now drench in sweat. 4:30 A.M. according to the clock on my night stand. I might as well get up; another hour or so and the sun will be out.
[Why do I still keep having these stupid dreams?] I ponder as I brew my cup of chamomile tea. [Am 31 damn it... and here I am thinking the therapy is working! I've been to all these so-call professionals, and I'm still broken.]
[I still have not forgive.]
Almost missing the chair by mere inches, I absent-mindlessly sit with the cup of warm comfort in my hands. I took a sip as I continue the battle I am having with my thoughts.
[There are still restless nights, crying days, and dysfunctional relationships. I've been to the hypnotist, a psychotherapist, and a psychiatrist. I even saw a Pastor! I know they're qualified, the certificates on the walls proved it.]
The thin film of tear that coated my eye balls brake free and rush down my cheeks as disappointment takes over.
[They were suppose to make me better....make me forget....make me forgive. Yes their therapy and medication soothe a little, but I still got this big hole in my heart.]
Sobbing now, my body shake. My chin slowly made contact with my chest as I reluctantly come to terms with the known fact that I have been fighting so hard to deny. I had stopped believing in Him. I was too frustrated, too angry. How could He allow Mr. Parker to do such a thing to me years ago? I was just an innocent young boy.
Sliding off the chair to the kitchen floor, I get down on my knees. I know what I need to do. I have an overdue inescapable appointment with the expert of all experts.
Footnote: Fiction. (I had the thoughts in Italics but it's not appearing so I used brackets in the story.)
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Some of the verb tenses were off. Did you do this on purpose maybe to represent a child?
Some adults may be able to relate to the incidents in the story. It may be that they would also need to forgive someone in their past.
A story like this could be effective to their thinking.
Those verb/tense mistakes were honest ones. I'll be sure to improve the next time around.
Prob someone can help me figure out how to get the italic to remain after coping over in the writing challenge post.
I would really encourage you to find a challenge buddy to help you with the proofreading to catch things like brake instead of break. Find someone's writing you admire and send them a PM asking if they would like to be buddies. There are groups on the message boards, but a lot of died down so you might have better luck with a PM.
The biggest thing is your tense isn't consistent so it makes it hard to follow. You do touch on the topic, but it might be a little weak. The story was more about insecurities than an actual expert. By no means did you miss the topic totally. Many people think just by mentioning the topic word that it is on topic, but the essense of the story needs to be on topic. I tell people to ask would your story still make sense if you took out the topic words or the allusions to the topic? Yours definitely would have some holes, so you've got a good start.
Many people talked about Jesus being the expert this week. You want to try to think outside the box or take a common notion and approach it in a fresh way. You definitely did that. I liked your use of the dream, it worked really well. I would maybe even give more details. Don't be afraid to use every word of those 750, but make sure every word moves the story along.
I think you covered a topic that can be a tad tricky on a Christian website and did it with dignity and respect. Be careful about using even small swear words as it does offend some people. Overall, I think you did a good job of tackling a difficult subject. It's not easy to forgive that much of a violation. Don't get discouraged. Keep reading as many challenges as possible and definitely keep writing!