Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Sweet to the Taste (08/23/12)
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TITLE: A Bit of Deception | Previous Challenge Entry
By Deborah Sampson
08/28/12 -
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“It – it didn’t turn out very well, we threw it away. I’m sorry.” Allison replied as she chalked another white lie to the others she had been telling, she knew that God wouldn’t care for these false truths, but she had no choice.
“We? Who is the we?” Gretchen wanted to know. “Who helped you with this?”
“Well Alex did, but he got called away to play baseball with the guys, and I told him I could finish.” O dear, another lie, she was getting good at this.
Gretchen shooked her head as she wiped her hands on the dish towel. “Can you tell me any reason that I should not punish you for being so careless?”
Allison did not know what to say, she couldn’t tell Gretchen, because it would spoil everything. She had no choice but to keep mum about this till later. “I will clean this up right now, Gretchen, please let me do this, and I’ll do whatever you see fit about a punishment.”
“Emm- I don’t know about that.” She looked at the sad faced teenager and agreed to her cleaning the mess up. “Do a good job, Allison, please!”
“Oh I will sis, you bet I will.” Allison was relieved that her sister had agreed.
With their mother having to be gone much of the week; she had left Gretchen in charge of her younger sister and brother. Allison was thirteen and Alex was eleven, they were well behaved most of the time, until now.
“Allison, I do know you are not telling me everything about this mess, I know you must be hiding something, but I can’t put my finger on it, but I will young lady.”
“Gretchen you sound like mom, you are not that much older than me, so cut it out.”
“Do you want me to call her? I wouldn’t, if I was you, she’ll be home tomorrow, and just maybe I will tell her then, smarty pants.”
Turning to put the spices back in the racks, Allison knew to quit talking about this, if she could get through till tomorrow, she knew things would be better, she was in enough hot water, first with God, and then her sister, would the good outweigh the bad?
The cleaning of the kitchen came to an end, with great results. It had not looked so clean in a while. Gretchen had a big smile on her face, as she toured the room, “My Allison, I am impressed.”
Allison had a grin on her face, something good came from this.
The next day, Gretchen had to work for the Williamson’s; she ran errands for Mrs. Williamson, who was recovering from hip surgery.
This worked out great for Allison, she could continue on her plan, it was more secrets, but the end result would be well worth it.
Allison had just about everything set up on the kitchen island, all the plates, glasses, including the finger food amongst the dessert as she heard the front door shut, “Oh no, who could that be? Mom, you scared me, I thought you were Gretchen.”
Her mother just laughed. “Where is Alex?”
“Right here, mom, I missed you.” Alex said emerging around the corner with an impish grin on his face.
“What did you two make for Gretchen’s eighteenth Birthday party?” she eyed both her children lovingly.
“Here look at it, mom, it’s so sweet to the taste, Gretchen is going to love it!” Allison exclaimed as she danced around the chair. “It’s the best cherry supreme-chocolate cheese cake we ever made, just wait till she has a bite; it will melt in her mouth.”
The guests had gathered on time, soon the front door opened as Gretchen entered. Everyone yelled ‘Happy Birthday’ at the same time, and the look on Gretchen’s face was worth it all.
“Oh my,” Gretchen said. “I had forgotten it’s my Birthday, Allison, Alex you rats,” she said as she hugged her sister and brother, “now I understand.” She was eyeing the beautiful cheesecake, “that’s what you were hiding.” She said as mom handed her a piece, every one watched her as she took a bite.
“My goodness, this is a taste so sweet, it’s just heavenly.” smacking her lips in delight.
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I was confused why Gretchen was bossing Allison around. Perhaps if you explained sooner that they were sisters. You had a few errors like birthday shouldn't be capitalized but Mom should, when it is used as a name. I also noticed you repeated quite a few things. Try tightening your sentences up. For example -- Gretchen had to work for the Williamson’s; she ran errands for Mrs. Williamson, who was recovering from hip surgery.
could be changed so not to repeat by doing something like this-- Gretchen left to run errands for Mrs. Williamson, who who recovering from hip surgery.
Overall, you told a great story. I know that trying tpo replace Mom and watch over your siblings can be hectic and make you forget your birthday. I also liked how the sister weighed telling a fib against surprising Gretchen. You covered the topic in a fun way and still delivered a great message and left the reader with something to think about.